Aunty Acid by Ged Backland for November 22, 2024

SIGH Same, Aunty, same.

darn right

A Scoop Of Transmission Fluid Flavor, With Extra Glass Sprinkles, Please!*

I’m a firefighter. We were responding to a call for a vehicle into a building. We arrived on the scene, and there was a small Nissan Leaf halfway through the front of an ice cream chain.

All the servers were still inside because, you know, a car was blocking the way out. The person driving the car had no injuries, and no one inside had a scratch, so there wasn’t much for us to do.

The place was wrecked. The ice cream freezer thing was crunched with glass covering any open ice cream.

Just as we were about to clear the scene, a man in his seventies walked up to the store, leaned over the car — that might as well have been a customer, too — and asked:

Man: “Hey, can I place an order yet?”

This five-foot-nothing high-school-age server looked at him with a look I’ll never forget

Server: “Sir… what the f*** do you think?”

He screamed at them for terrible service. I haven’t laughed so hard leaving a call in a long time.

Spay Away From That Cat Until You’ve Learned Something!

Customer: “I want my cat neutered, not spa-yed. Neutering is cheaper.”

Me: “Uh… I think that choice is determined by the cat, not you.”

Customer: “I’m the customer so I get to choose!”

Me: Asking in the hopes I can avoid an argument. “Is your cat male or female?”

Customer: “She’s a girl!”

Sigh. I explain the difference between both procedures and why they’re gender-specific.

Customer: “Well, I will only pay for a neutering!”

Me: “Okay.” I wave my pair of desk scissors in the air and do a ‘chop’ motion. “Your female cat no longer has test-icles. That will be $200, please.”

She finally got it. She paid for the spaying but grumbled the whole time.

Don’t Be “Closed” Minded – Think Bigger!

I work in a small owner-owned store. The owner and I are closing up and are about to walk away from the locked door. A customer runs up.

Customer: “Oh, are you closed already?”

Owner: “Yes, we close at ten.”

Customer: “I just want to get one thing.”

Owner: “Nope. I’m going home to my wife and dinner.”

Customer: “Oh come on, I just need some two-dollar thing!”

Owner: “No, ma’am, if I’m reopening, you’re buying the seven-hundred dollar thing.”

And with that, he strolled over to his car without a care in the world.

Giving A Food Thief A Raw Deal

I work in a hospital lab, and on a Monday morning, I came in and saw this email:

Email: “To whom it may concern: I had two cupcakes and put them in the Core Lab break room refrigerator last night on the evening shift, and someone ate one of them. The cupcakes were for my dogs, and they contain raw meat. If you ate the cupcake and don’t feel well, please see a doctor. I don’t want you to get sick and end up with E. coli or Salmonella.”

To those asking why someone is making raw meat dog cupcakes in the hospital? I found out that they weren’t really raw meat, but this was the best means of the owner getting some revenge by f****** with the offender.

Preach, sister! I’ve had insomnia for decades.

Yea me too. My whole life, really. My mom said I used to keep her up at night when she was carrying me. Did melatonin for quite a while but got to where I did not like side effects. With all my googling I have ended up with a shot of tart cherry not from concentrate, and a hot cup of milk with two teaspoons of black strap molasses and some nutmeg.

I find I am able to sleep at work. But my employer seems to frown on this. I wonder why?

Normally I can go to sleep rather good. But then I don’t sleep deep enough and not long enough. Most days I have to take naps during the day and/ or stay half tired the whole time. Yawwwwn. Have to ho, fetch some groceries now. A hefty amount of guarana will help me to drive safe. sigh

Awakened at 1 AM by the dog’s tail wagging (“knock-knock-knock!”) against my door. Started to get angry, until I realized he was watching my nephew switching on the furnace for the winter season. Ah, thank you!

Don’t get any what? Hmmmn.

My sleep is a series of short naps punctuated by trips to the bathroom. I’m always tired.

Drunken stupors are so much like sleeping, yet so different in many ways aren’t they Aunty?

Then don’t sleep so much and you’ll get some.

Sleep escapes me!!!!

You’d think the alcohol consumption would help.

I run myself into exhaustion most days. I fall asleep about halfway between taking my feet off the floor and my head hitting the pillow.

I literally thank God for the ability to do so. It is a blessing and I do not take it for granted.

I sleep like a baby although once in a while the brain will not cooperate but a glass of wine and a rerun on TV usually works.

It’s no wonder you ain’t gettin’ any.