Frog Applause by Teresa Burritt for August 20, 2018

When I was 4 and J. D. was too, the seat fell on his winkle and he ended up getting stiches.

Be like Elvis!

“Aortic aneurysm” is another popular way to go while going.

It’s the toilet snakes that frighten me. I need to find a part of the world that has no poisonous snakes.

Privacy please, morgue officials are responsible for wiping the unfinished paperwork of the deceased before flushing..

Between the fedora and the winky lies many a choice as to urping legends. ~ Elvis the Pelvis

It’s not clear that the Valsalva Maneuver can kill you. If it can, I will quit doing it forthwith.

“Elvis Presley too died on the lavatory, a heart attack while straining to expel a hard clay-like faeces from his blocked colon. … … “The King died of heart failure on August 17, 1977, while straining to overcome constipation on his Graceland throne.”

I submit the following tid(bidet) to all you lame followers of FA: Google “toilet seat surgery” … in 2008 a 35 year old woman in Ness City, Kansas (CansAss?), sat on her boyfriend’s toilet for 2 years straight … her skin “…had actually grown around the seat and it had to be removed surgically.” … it is seriously worth the effort ….

I’m afraid that the rat in the toilet will bite off my winkie. Do kangaroo rats reside in toilets?

Only in Australia.

https://www.hostelbookers.com/blog/travel/weird-and-wonderful/toilets-of-the-world/

—“Everybody looks at their poop.” — Oprah Winfrey—“Ram it up your poop chute.” — Frank Zappa—“If you’re really a mean person you’re going to come back as a fly and eat poop.” ― Kurt Cobain—“In my world, everyone’s a pony and they all eat rainbows and poop butterflies!” ― Dr. Seuss—“You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar. ” ― George Carlin—“I’m not trying to hide from my past. I want to roll in it. Like a dog, rolling in feces, I’m rolling in the feces of my greatest hits – that’s a bit of a wild way of looking at it, but I am a man and we do like rolling in our own feces at times.” ― Billy Idol—“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?” ― Jerry Seinfeld—“Poop humor is fun. If you do the toilet scenes well and commit to them, they can be really, really powerful.” ― Sandra Bullock—“Nothing reminds one of how shitty inequality is more often than the fact that there are companies who make and people who use 1-ply toilet papers.” ― Mokokoma Mokhonoana—“Maybe humans are just the pet alligators that God flushed down the toilet.” ― Chuck Palahniuk—“Does koala bear poop smell like cough drops?” ― Tom Robbins—“You aren’t what you eat. You are what you don’t poop.” — Wavy Gravy—“Most people would rather eat inside a windowless room in which they have just defecated than eat inside one in which someone else has just farted, even if the room does not have a toilet.” ― Mokokoma Mokhonoana—“Dogs are animals that poop in public and you’re supposed to pick it up. After a week of doing this, you’ve got to ask yourself, “Who’s the real master in this relationship?” — Anthony Griffith

—“People always talked about the good clean smell of fresh sweat. They had to make excuses for it. They never talked about the good clean smell of fresh shit. There was nothing really as glorious as a good beer shit – I mean after drinking twenty or twenty-five beers the night before. The odor of a beer shit like that spread all around and stayed for a good hour-and-a-half. It made you realize that you were really alive.” ― Charles Bukowski—“Spontaneously, without any theological training, I, a child, grasped the incompatibility of God and shit and thus came to question the basic thesis of Christian anthropology, namely that man was created in God’s image. Either/or: either man was created in God’s image – and has intestines! – or God lacks intestines and man is not like him. The ancient Gnostics felt as I did at the age of five. In the second century, the Great Gnostic master Valentinus resolved the damnable dilemma by claiming that Jesus “ate and drank, but did not defecate.” Shit is a more onerous theological problem than is evil. Since God gave man freedom, we can, if need be, accept the idea that He is not responsible for man’s crimes. The responsibility for shit, however, rests entirely with Him, the creator of man.” ― Milan Kundera

Mythbusters tackled the feculent aphorism, “you can’t polish a turd” and succeeded in polishing lion, warthog, and ostrich scat to a high gloss. They concluded, “you can in fact polish a poop.” Science!

How did they do it? They used the Japanese meditative art of hikaru dorodango, which involves taking a big lump of dirt (or poop) and turning it over and over in your hands, using a little water and lots of time to gradually create a shiny ball. How shiny? The lion shit got to “183 gloss units” after a mere 3-4 days of constant poolishing work.

If the turds of both herbivorous and carnivorous animals can be polished, then we’re confident that human scat is possible to polish. Now we’re no medical doctors, but we think it’s safe to turn this over to your hands, dear reader. Won’t you please consider assisting us with further research?

In 1961 Piero Manzoni allegedly put the fragrant fruit of his bowels into 90 steel cans and welded them shut in an attempt to shock the art world into some kind of sense. A friend of his described the creation as “an act of defiant mockery of the art world, artists, and art criticism.”

There’s some debate as to whether there’s really poo in the cans, but there’s none about what’s printed on the outside. In Italian, English, French and German, the label reads:

Artist’s Shit

Contents 30 gr net

Freshly preserved

Produced and tinned

in May 1961Welp, joke’s on you, scatman-zoni. Your cute little cans of caca continue to climb in value. Initially priced on par with their weight in gold, one of the tins fetched a record high price of €275,000 at an August 2016 auction in Milan, including auction fees.

https://www.continence.org.au/pages/bristol-stool-chart.html

https://www.lolscat.com/2017/02/19/zuckerberg-gets-portrait-poop-poortrait/

Let us have a lame moment of silence for the thousands of people world-wide who die on the toilet every year, but on the other hand rejoice for them that they actually had toilets on which to die. And is this the appropriate place to recall Martin Luther’s “cloacal experience”?

Every true Froglandian should deeply cherish Urban Legends! No scata!

Well… that explains the bucket…

The closest I’ve come to any of this is writing my name in the snow. Fortunately, I don’t have a long name.

Yeah?Well, don’t hold your breath.