“I should like to testify to the solid and irreproachable character of my lifelong classmate and chum, Judge Jay Voorhees. Jay and I spent many carefree nights at prep parties, and I never knew him to be anything but the consummate professional and gentleman. I wish I could appear before the Senate to vouch for his character; but circumstances limit my travel these days. Perhaps I could invite Senator Grassley for an intimate dinner.” Dr. Hannibal ‘Han-the-Man’ Lecter MD
“And really now – what adolescent boy hasn’t gotten a little tipsy, a little rowdy, and left blood spatter and tissue all over the inside of Dad’s Beemer? Boys will be boys. Fess up.” (Monsignor Freddy Kruger).
I really must protest the shabby treatment that Judge Voorhees has received at the hands of the Libs. Except for the testimony of one “escapee” – who never even was a camper at Camp Crystal Lake – nobody has come forward with anything like the outlandish accusations against Jason Voorhees, who was a model camper. The “Friday the 13th” myth was a crude slander constructed no doubt by Michael Moore in his usual “slasher” biopic. Judge Voorhees was an admired goaltender on the hockey team at Camp Crystal Lake, and created precious rustic art using a chainsaw as a sculptor’s chisel. His work was breathtaking, everyone says. He’s been a respected member of the Judiciary, and the few clerks who have gone dismembered with their head in a sack is hardly sufficient to persecute and impugn his character. I think we should press for speedy approval, especially since he has a few Senators’ grandchildren in his basement.
What if it just doesn’t matter anymore?