Ted Rall for February 23, 2002

Transcript:

Best in show. Canadian figure skaters who TV viewers thought were robbed of an olympic gold medal have guilted officials into awarding it to them. The world rejoices. A review of the 1997 Academy Awards caused many to wonder why "The English Patient" won 9 oscars. Nothing that the film "sucks" The academy has rescinded those awards. Analysis of the Grammy awards has determined that grammies "inevitably" go into top 4 pap ahead of edgy, low-selling musicians. To correct this injustice The Velvet Underground will sweep next year's Grammies. Susan Lucci of "All My Children" won the 1998-99 "Best Actress" Daytime Emmy, after years of being snubbed. Her Emmy has been backdated to 1985 when she was better. Sinclair Lewis won the 1926 Pulitzer Prize for "Arrowsmith" but refused it. If he was still alive, he would change his mind. He has, therefore, been reburied with the '26 Pulitzer. A committee of historians has determined that the United States, with its superior technology, military manpowerand training should have won the Vietnam War. Vietnam will thus become a U.S. puppet state. Evolution erred by favoring slow, hairless bides over such efficient carnivores as cats. Biologists have awarded the dominance of the earth to cats. Al Gore won the 2000 election, but somehow Bush became President. Nothing can be done about this.