Tom the Dancing Bug by Ruben Bolling for July 01, 2000

Transcript:

News of the Times Earth receives extra-terrestrial message The world was stunned yesterday when the NEW MEXICO RADIO TELESCOPE PROJECT announced it received radio wave patterns which, when deciphered, were discovered to be a message from outer space! Astrolinguist Randall Heinz translated the message: Heinz: "Adantum. For a better life. Ask your doctor." Heinz continued... Heinz: "Side effects may include drowsiness, nausea, antenna swelling, sexual dysfunction and involuntary osculum expulsions." Bioastrophysicist Reese Shaw explained the puzzling interstellar message. Shaw: It stands to reason that an Alien civilization would broadcast an advertisement. Why else would they communicate with us? Astrobiologist Michael Williamson disagrees. Williamson: This may simply mean that our species is not alone in its difficulty in getting public funding for space programs. Astroeconomist Laura Glanville surmises that the Aliens' marketing technology is very crude. Laura: "Adantum" is a properly scientific-sounding name, but it's not inviting. I doubt they've even developed focus group capabilities! However, the message does seem to have had an effect on consumers. Guy: Damn straight I'm interested in this "Adantum." If it can control my blasted hayfever, I can put up with some antenna swelling. Heinz revealed that a second message was received. Heinz: I did get a later message about switching long-distance carriers, but it came at dinnertime, so I ignored it. Don't you hate that?