Tom the Dancing Bug by Ruben Bolling for November 24, 2001

Transcript:

Tom the Dancing Bug by Ruben Bolling In Case of Terrorist Attack Attention C.E.O.s In the unlikely event of an attack by terrorists, it is critically important to keep your wits about you and move in a calm, deliberate and, most important, swift manner. Seconds count, so follow these emergency procedures quickly and immediately. 1 Evacuate the building, but use these precious moments to call the White House. Those who have the audacity to ask for it can get a huge bailout payment almost INSTANTANEOUSLY. 2 Walk immediately to a pre-arranged place to meet with your lobbyists. Different types of terrorist attacks yield different government giveaways, so consult the experts to avoid embarrassment. 3 Dispatch a lobbyist to your congressman's office as soon as possible to put the squeeze on. Quick anti-terrorism legislation will be pushed through, and your special-interest boondoggles can be tacked on without resistance. 4 Begin orderly but rapid layoff procedures. If anyone asks if it is hypocritical to demand huge economic stimulus benefits to avoid layoffs, but then proceed with massive layoffs, answer: "No." 5 As people come to terms with their grief and think about an appropriate response, no one will be watching you. What better time than a war to push through a tax cut on offshore income? How about a RETROACTIVE tax cut for corporations? By quickly demanding money from taxpayers, you can patriotically turn any attack into a cash bonanza for your company -- and increase the value of your own options and bonuses! It's the American Way, and after all: ISN'T THAT WHAT THE TERRORISTS ATTACKED?