Tom the Dancing Bug by Ruben Bolling for January 17, 2004

Transcript:

Tom the Dancing Bug by Ruben Bolling Man: GAMBLING RUINED MY LIFE! I've hit rock bottom! Pete: Hold on, pal! I've got an answer! Man: Golly! Baseball's PETE ROSE! Pete: Gambling cost me my job, my professional standing, and my bet runner/ body-building housemate! I know I can help! CHARLIE HUSTLE'S 12-STEP PROGRAM FOR COMPULSIVE GAMBLERS 1. DENY. 2. DENY MORE. 3. ATTACK YOUR ACCUSERS AS LIARS AND INCOMPETENTS. 4. DENY FOR YEARS AND YEARS MORE. 5. DENY, DENY, DENY. 6. DENY WHILE SIGNING SPORTS MEMORABILIA FOR CASH. 7. DENY ANGRILY. 8. STOP PAYING TAXES. 9. LAY LOW, THEN DENY LOUDLY. 10. GET A $1 MILLION BOOK CONTRACT TO FINALLY MAKE A CONFESSION. 11. ADMIT THAT YOU GAMBLED, BUT DENY ANY BLAME OR NEGATIVE CONSEQUENCES. 12. NOW GIMME WHAT I WANT! Make this into a needlepoint, frame and hang it over your bed for fourteen years Man: Gosh, can this program get me my job, my house, and my wife back? Pete: You'll come out smellin' like a rose! You can BET on it! Send $59.95 to PETE ROSE'S 12-STEP GAMBLING PROGRAM Box 324 Cooperstown NY Name Address Would pay $50 extra for an autographed photo of Pete? Do you have a copy of today's Racing Form? Can Pete stay on your couch for a few weeks? REMEMBER -- THE FIRST STEP IS TOUGHEST, SO START DENYING YOU HAVE A PROBLEM TODAY!