Tom the Dancing Bug by Ruben Bolling for July 10, 2015

Transcript:

Tom the Dancing Bug by Ruben Bolling The Two Fists of Supreme Justice JUDGE SCALIA! Textual Originalism! Thrills... Chills... Judge Scalia is traversing the landscape, searching for hippies to hector. Judge Scalia: Where in blazes could those long-hairs be hiding...WHA...? Woman: Judge Scalia! Help! The state won't let us marry! Judge Scalia: Two broads? He conjures the original framers of the fourteenth amendment - Judge Scalia: Did you intend to include homosexual marriage in the due process and equal protection clauses? Man: Homosex...wait, WHAT? Judge Scalia: JUST AS I THOUGHT! Yer outta luck, crybabies! I RULE only as the Constitution was WRITTEN! No sooner is the judge back on his way, when... Man: Judge Scalia! Campaign finance laws won't let my corporation contribute to politicians as I'd like! NERREX Judge Scalia: O, drafters of the first amendment, did you intend for corporations to be covered by freedom of speech? Man: What? No one did! Corporations barely existed! This protected humans... Judge Scalia: Wrong answer!! Who cares what you thought?! I'LL rule what you SHOULD have thought!! ZOK POW And so, Judge Scalia once again proves his consistent approach to judicial interpretation, regardless of outcome. NERREX INC. Judge Scalia: Hush, hush, my sweet corporation. Were your feelings hurt? The End