Aunty Acid by Ged Backland for September 24, 2024

*Sie Hat Den Einfallsreichtum *

I am shopping when a woman approaches me, presents a frozen chicken to me, and speaks in very broken German.

Woman: “This mother. Where children?”

I showed her where the eggs were.

I have to admit that I admire her quick thinking. I hope I will have the same ingenuity when I am in a foreign country where I barely speak the language.

The Vulture Flies At Midnight

I’m a senior tech at an IT company. One of our customers named all their servers after birds. This would be funny and quirky if not for the fact that this customer: a) assumes that everyone knows about this, and b) cannot understand that, for anyone but him, it is completely non-intuitive which bird has which role within their IT infrastructure.

A new hire comes up to my desk. He’s a smart guy who knows a thing or two about the applications we work with — but more importantly, he knows when to ask a question.

New Hire: “[My Name], I have the weirdest ticket. The customer is reporting an error, but I have no idea what to do with it.”

Me: “What ticket number? Let’s have a look.”

New Hire: “[Number].”

I open the ticket and am met with the following text, verbatim; this is the whole ticket.

Ticket: “I got a report from hawk that falcon cannot reach seagull. This is in production. Please advise.”

Hi, It’s Me, I’m The Problem, It’s Me(Books)

I’m the problem in this story.

I work at the library. I got a call this morning, and a patron asked if we had a copy of “How To Break Up With Your Phone” by Catherine Price.

Me: “All our copies are currently checked out, but we have an eBook version available on our app.”

The customer started laughing.

Patron: “Kind of defeats the purpose of the book…”

In my defense, it’s really early.

An Annoying Combo Of Rude And Stupid

Over the three years I spent working in fast food, this is an exchange in the drive-thru I wish I could say wasn’t a common occurrence.

Customer: “Can I get a [burger]?”

Employee: “One [burger]. Would you like to make that a combo today?”

Customer: “No. Then can I also get fries and a [soda] with that?”

Employee: “Okay. I’m going to ring up those three as a combo for you; that way, it’ll be a little bit cheaper.”

Customer: “I don’t want a combo.”

Employee: “You have a sandwich, fries, and a drink. That makes up a combo. If we ring them all up separately it’ll actually be more expensive for you than if we were to put them together.”

Customer: “I said I didn’t want a combo!”

Employee: “…All right, then. One [burger], fries, and a [soda] will be [total]. Thank you and please pull forward.”

Customer: “Why does it cost more than what’s on the menu?”

I think it’s related to Heisenberg’s uncertainty principle

Don’t Assume The Waitstaff Give A Crap

I’ve stopped at a freeway diner in the middle of nowhere. I’m not expecting the menu to be exhaustive. I’m perusing the menu when I overhear a customer moaning as their order is being taken by a waitress.

Customer: “Ugh, those are your only sandwiches? I’d rather eat a s*** sandwich!”

The waitress, who gives off the vibes and embodiment of a sassy older lady who has seen it all, fires back:

Waitress: “S*** sandwich? Wait right there, I can make you one in the back.”

The waitress starts to walk away, and the customer calls her back and sheepishly orders the Reuben.

To Be Fair, That Is Definitely A$$hole Behavior

I work in a plant that packages blueberries.

One day, I saw what my dumb, stupid, idiot brain initially took for a large, hairy human wandering across the factory floor, with the machines running, in an unsafe way. I immediately hit the emergency stop and then ran over to confront the guy.

Me: “Hey, a**hole, that’s not safe! Put on your safety equipment, and stick to the marked areas for the flooooooo…”

At that point, I noticed that I was talking to a bear.

A bear that was now staring at me.

I wish I could say I reacted calmly. I wish I could say I reacted rationally. I wish I could say that I did anything other than scream loudly and start running — which drew my coworkers to see what was happening and put THEM in potential danger, too.

Fortunately, the bear decided that the screaming and scrambling human was much less interesting than the machinery full of berries in front of him, and he proceeded to start eating berries and prying at and ripping at machinery to get to berries that were less accessible.

Eventually, the bear got bored and left, well before the animal control specialists we called arrived. At least no one was hurt… and my boss praised me for my quick reaction in hitting the emergency stop! My coworkers, on the other hand, got chewed out for coming to watch and take pictures with their cell phones.

I don’t know the exact dollar value of the damage that the bear did, but we were shut down for a week and a half while the maintenance guys repaired it, and the factory installed several systems to “keep bears out”, including a hyper-sonic screaming device and some heavy-duty electric fencing.

This is true. Some of the worst are in reality shows and/or politics.

Like the person who criticizes other peoples yards usually has the messiest one of them all.

… and some people can be described as their food’s final exit point.

Mouths get stretched from continually putting their feet in them.

Auntie is the pot calling the kettle black

Very good comparison!!!!

…and then the grapes ferment.

True. A certain politician who shall not be named comes to mind.

You told on yourself fat lady watermelon mouth.

Well said, Watermelon Mouth.

Empty barrels make the most noise.

The narrower the mind the broader the statement.

And churn out interminable political ads at this time of year.