B.C. by Mastroianni and Hart for May 22, 2018

Pet rocks, the beginning.

Hold out for the five-finger discount.

Does it also keep away, tigers, bears, and crocodiles?

sounds about as plausible as sending 2 space shuttles up to blow the asteroid out of space

There are no stupid customers.

Check to see if it works by chucking it at Peter. If his personal forcefield (pat.pend) fails, then chuck a few more at him.

Savvy Consumer: Like on TV last night when Frank Burns was buying a bust for Colonel Potter Anniversary from a local artist.

If an asteroid comes down and pulverizes the earth, why exactly would you want to survive that? What would you do afterwards?

It comes with a lifetime guarantee. When the asteroid hits your lifetime ends and so does the guarantee.

“…or your money back.”

Sounds like my home owners insurance. Covers everything, except floods, volcanoes, goats etc… If you read the fine print, it does not cover even the zombie apocalypse or any apocalypse.

Why buy it? As long as someone has it, everyone should be safe!

Just like Radon- a colorless odorless gas, that can only be detected by the people you pay to remove it!

Savvy Consumer Discount – Only 5 Clams more!

“And here’s your complementary aluminum foil hat to keep aliens out of you head.”

P.T. Barnum was right