Richard's Poor Almanac by Richard Thompson for January 20, 2015

Transcript:

richard's poor almanack - by rihard thompson your autobiography and you. now that you've positioned yourself as a viable presidential candidate, you need to produce an inspiring yet plausible candi-date autobiography. here's the candidate autobiography section of a local bookstore- that's a lot of books, huh? you'll need one that stands out while also fitting in. here are some pointers to get you started- title - very important! "a (something) to (something)" is always good; "a summons to lead," "a call to hope," etc.. these suggest your untapped great-ness & potential. also, your name can appear above or below the title depending on your actual fame. like in the movies. cover photo - you in shirtsleeves, your face aglow with a deep-held belief in the wisdom of the people. note - if you have dimples photoshop them out. dimples lack gravitas, unless it's a chin dimple. if you're a woman avoid all cleavage. a something to something your face here by your name with a ghostwriter back cover - this is all that most people ever read. use the words "warm," "wise," "experienced" & "far-seeing" and you'll be okay. inside - about three hundred pages should do it. do mention your modest be-ginnings, subsequent character growth, spiritual yearnings (care-fully), etc. if you do have any actual deeply held beliefs, hide them in the back, after "a note on the type". don't refer to yourself in the third person, dwell on embarrassing hobbies (i.e. harry potter fan fiction) or include your ten tips to improve your prowess at poker, unless they're sure-fire.