Richard's Poor Almanac by Richard Thompson for March 20, 2017

Transcript:

horoscope capricorn your tin can habit is get-ting way out of hand aquarius check the kitchen drawer. your coupons have expired. pisces today they will remove your little castle. tomorrow...? aries i'm sorry, we have no horoscope listings under "aries" at this time. taurus you burn oil and pull to the left. gemini you are confident your court appearance will vindicate you & allow you to put these ab-surd allegations behind you. cancer shellfish is very high in cholesterol. beware leo time to thin the herd. virgo you're 39. lose the cats & the sci-fi fandom & get a date. libra you amass enough gravity to attract small satellites. scorpio your plans for global dom-ination fail when all your toadies strike, demanding nicer jumpsuits. sagittarius the "mr. ed" them song sticks in your head all day, starting right now.