Never mind, Calvin. If you go to a decent school, you will soon be reading Shakespeare. No car chases, but plenty of the other stuff. The violence doesn’t use guns, though.
Parents have a conspiracy to read somnolence-inducing and calming stories at bedtime. You know, where the slow silent sheep slide simply through the susurrous willows seeking sleep. Of course kids don’t want to hear that: They’re actively fighting sleep time.
Read Bible stories to him. Incest, a woman driving a tent peg into a man’s skull, David cutting off Goliath’s head and waving it around, a guy getting God to send bears to kill a bunch of kids after the kid’s make fun of him for being bald, mothers eating their own children. These great, gory stories and more and found throughout the Bible. Calvin would love ‘em. There’s a few of these stories and more listed here: https://www.ranker.com/list/creepy-gory-bible-scenes/jacob-shelton
BE THIS GUY over 4 years ago
Satanism and profanity? What kind of R rated bedtime story is Calvin expecting?
Templo S.U.D. over 4 years ago
when was the last time Calvin ever read in bed before retiring for the night? I’d say never
retrocool over 4 years ago
HA -HA -HA !
codycab over 4 years ago
Sorry Calvin. You’re not old enough for Stephen King’s books.
jagedlo over 4 years ago
Was Calvin expecting a PG-13 bedtime story?
Robin Harwood over 4 years ago
Never mind, Calvin. If you go to a decent school, you will soon be reading Shakespeare. No car chases, but plenty of the other stuff. The violence doesn’t use guns, though.
gbars70 over 4 years ago
Does Calvin even realize he’s equipped with some lewd parts?
stillfickled Premium Member over 4 years ago
I’m surprised Calvin even knows some of those words.
The Reader Premium Member over 4 years ago
You’re not supposed to like it, its to put you to sleep.
BigDaveGlass over 4 years ago
Let the nightmares begin…..
Mostroatomico over 4 years ago
A future death metal fan
jpayne4040 over 4 years ago
That’s the point, Calvin. It’s a story to put you to sleep.
dflak over 4 years ago
Two kids push an old woman into an oven. Young woman lives in a house with 7 men. Witchcraft convert mice and pumpkins into coach and horses.
What’s not to like?
Gracella over 4 years ago
Calvin should probably get a doctor
YippiKiAyMofo over 4 years ago
Kid’s got issues.
Jimvideo over 4 years ago
And there we have it – the American public attitudes!
A Hip loving Canadian... over 4 years ago
I bet there are no explosions either.
A R V reader over 4 years ago
No tigers either, Calvin will definitely won’t like it.
gantech over 4 years ago
Dad could respond with, “What makes you think I’ll let you live through the night?”
cubswin2016 over 4 years ago
This sounds like my kind of story.
kab2rb over 4 years ago
Sorry Calvin only approved child books.
ChessPirate over 4 years ago
“Psst, ask him if it has any tigers in it… And if it doesn’t, tell him you want him to read ‘The Fast and the Furriest’…”
DanWolfie over 4 years ago
Something tells me that Calvin would LOVE “Scooby-Doo: Mystery Incorporated.”
AnthonyCamaratta over 4 years ago
Let me guess, boring Dad has a book on how to watch the grass grow…C’mon Mutants, laser cannons & space battles…..SHEESH
Stephen Gilberg over 4 years ago
I always found it strange when Calvin expressed interest in something lewd, given his usual attitude toward girls.
Lightpainter over 4 years ago
“Dad, who is Hugh Hefner?”
vp over 4 years ago
It has got moral. At this age, this is what you’d need to face the world tomorrow.
Troglodyte over 4 years ago
Just show him a Quentin Tarantino movie, Dad, and save yourself the trouble!
Ka`ōnōhi`ula`okahōkūmiomio`ehiku Premium Member over 4 years ago
Don’t worry Calvin, it has witches.
ObiJoan over 4 years ago
No weapons, no violence, no satanism, mo profanity, no lewd parts… sure dad is not reading the Bible
Concretionist over 4 years ago
Parents have a conspiracy to read somnolence-inducing and calming stories at bedtime. You know, where the slow silent sheep slide simply through the susurrous willows seeking sleep. Of course kids don’t want to hear that: They’re actively fighting sleep time.
Otis Rufus Driftwood over 4 years ago
And here I always thought Calvin’s parent were better at managing his media exposure.
adrianrune over 4 years ago
Read Bible stories to him. Incest, a woman driving a tent peg into a man’s skull, David cutting off Goliath’s head and waving it around, a guy getting God to send bears to kill a bunch of kids after the kid’s make fun of him for being bald, mothers eating their own children. These great, gory stories and more and found throughout the Bible. Calvin would love ‘em. There’s a few of these stories and more listed here: https://www.ranker.com/list/creepy-gory-bible-scenes/jacob-shelton
WCraft Premium Member over 4 years ago
What about Huey Balooie the Hamster (can’t quite remember the name)
Starjo over 4 years ago
Goodness me Calvin
Nick Danger over 4 years ago
If he reads Grimm’s Fairy Tales (especially if he can find the more original versions), he’ll get lots of violence at least.