The Fusco Brothers by J.C. Duffy for March 25, 2022

To speak to a human being, Forget It.

To hear this menu again, press star. To be unceremoniously disconnected stay on the line.

and no matter which you chose, you will have to be transferred to another rep

To get the next hour of your life back, hang up now and send us an email.

To listen to a poorly transmitted recording of Vivaldi’s Four Seasons sure to burst your eardrums, please stay on the line for the next hour.

To renew your expired car warranty press…

I’d settle for someone fluent in English.

I always figure “customer service” is shorthand for “service” in the agricultural sense — of a bull servicing a cow, say.

To speak to someone who speaks english, figgitaboutit.