Tom the Dancing Bug by Ruben Bolling for December 30, 2000

Transcript:

We all know that the U.S. Supreme Court reversed the Florida Supreme Court's order of a recount -- if held that because the Florida court failed to direct a uniform standard for all counties' recount, it violatedthe Equal Protection clause of the U.S. Constitution. But in this thrilling episode of Judge Scalia we answer the question what if... The Florida Supreme Court had given a specific standard for the Bush/Gore recount? Guy: Judge Scalia!! The Florida Supreme Court ordered a recount, using the single, specific standard that any hanging Chad must count as a vote! 12:08:00 4:01 PM Scalia: The set the standard?! That's outrageous! Stop the recount now! And get me my robe! Judge Scalia leaps into action... Scalia: Grrr.... ...And busts into the Florida Supreme Court's chambers! Scalia: You fools!! Setting one standard for all counties clearly violates the state law that grants such discretion to each canvasing board! Reversed! Man: But... We were concerned that if we left the standard open, it might violate the equal protection cl... Scalia: That's the lamest argument I've ever heard!! In this or any alternate universe... I'm the model of judicial consistency. I'll reach the same result no matter what the facts or law!