Aunty Acid by Ged Backland for August 14, 2024

True. I wasn’t looking when my hubby and I met.

Customers: The Reason Why We (Don’t) Drink

When I was about nineteen, I worked in a bar. My first customer service job, I was really nervous, but I thought I did okay.

A guy ordered a drink for him and his friend and then adds:

Customer: “—and get one for yourself too!”

Me: “Thanks very much!”

I keep £2 from his money to get myself a drink after my shift. I am allowed to do this since he has offered. When I give him his drinks and his change back:

Customer: “Where’s the rest of my change?”

Me: “You said I could have a drink myself.”

Customer: “Oh… but, I didn’t mean it!”

I gave him all his money back and spent the rest of the day in a silent rage.

Oh Yeah, Well I Don’t Like Your Altitude!

Back in the 1990s I am working in a hobbyist store. A customer buys an RC helicopter and comes back a few days later with just the box and controller.

Customer: “I need a refund!”

Me: “Why?”

Customer: “The helicopter went up and it never came back down!”

Me: “So… where is it now?”

Customer: “You’re not listening! It went up!”

Me: “Soooooo…. you’re saying it’s still up there?”

Customer: “I don’t like your attitude! Where’s your manager?”

He got no refund that day.

He Doesn’t Have Any Engine Power, But He’s Got A Point!

I’m on a train that has been standing in the middle of the fields for a while. The driver eventually comes on the intercom.

Driver: “Ladies and gentlemen, I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that the engine of the train has stopped, and I cannot get it restarted. The good news is that you’re not on an airplane.”

Lot of sponge mops out there. Looking for a sugar daddy.

Same in reverse. After two toss-overs, I am never going to try again.

Well, it worked for my lovely stepmother. She got divorced as a young mother. Then in her 40s she looked actively for a husband and found my father. He was the love of her life. And she was the second love of his life after my mother died.

Close your eyes and pin the tail on the donkey!!!!!!

I keep telling that to people who ask me why I haven’t remarried after two divorces!

Too funny, but they probably feel and say the same about us.

When I was in my late twenties, still unmarried, my mother tried to get my father to travel on vacations — something he disliked to do. I promised to take her someplace nice for a week … just to pick a spot. She picked an American Airlines travel package that included a tourist cruise ship traveling among the Hawaiian Islands.

Yikes! Well, I made a promise. She acquired reservations that very day, so I couldn’t back out. Anyway, April was a good time to go. Mostly older adults traveled at that time on the cruise … and so, few children.

Aboard ship, we were assigned a dining table with two middle-aged women, on a splurge trip as we were. One woman had recently lost her husband, and her grown children had paid her fare.

It was her second husband. Her first husband had died suddenly and left her with three small daughters. Who would want such an instant family? She was a young widow of meager means.

Well, she met a man who married her and adopted her children, accepting them as their own together as a family. At their wedding, they all stood together at the altar. He provided his wife — as well as his three new daughters — with rings.

Sometimes you have to do it again to get it right and correct the mistakes you made the first time.

So regrettable all this unhappiness…

Why the Heckfire would I do something stupid like that again? I asked my late husband’s best friend when he said I’d get married again.

I gave up looking then Roger came along!

The same could be said of a man looking for a wife.

I’ve been told they are hard to house train.

although she keeps hoping that she may one day get me right, my wife appears to have finally resolved herself to the idea that her long-term project may not conclude successfully…

Or some of us have just given up on that ever happening…