Aunty Acid by Ged Backland for October 24, 2024

A Glutton For Knowledge

Customer: “Can you tell me which of the rice you sell here is gluten-free?”

He pronounces it as “glutton-free” but I think I know what he means.

Me: “All of them. Rice is gluten-free. Gluten comes from wheat, rye, and barley.”

Customer: “But this says glutinous rice!”

He pronounces it as “gluttonous” rice.

Me: “Aha, I can see the confusion. That just means that it’s a sticky type of rice. It’s good in some types of desserts.”

Customer: “But it’s still gluttonous?”

Me: “It’s pronounced glutinous, and it’s just a name for it. Some people call it sticky rice. It contains no gluten.”

Customer: “But does it contain gluttony?”

Me: “Sir, gluten is a type of protein found in wheat. Gluttony is… uh… it means to eat too much. Which one are you talking about?”

Customer: Sounding confused. “If it doesn’t contain glutton, then I can eat a lot of it?”

Me: “Okay, so no gluten means you can be a glutton. Got it.”

I finally got to explain to him the difference between the two words. It was quiet so I had time to show him in the dictionary on my phone. He had heard both words for a long time and thought they were basically the same – “they’re both related to food!” – so he was very grateful to learn something new that day!

Bringing Some Cheer In Melon-cholic Times

During the height of masks, social distancing, and interacting with customers through plexiglass barriers, I had one customer come up to me carrying a watermelon.

Customer: “Can you name my watermelon?”

Because of the masks and plexiglass, I thought I misheard him.

Me: “You want to buy the watermelon?”

Customer: “No, I want you to name it.”

I was so caught off guard and was just going to say something generic like Bob. My Filipino coworker jumps in:

Coworker: “Pakwan. That’s watermelon in Tagalog.”

Customer: Turns to the woman he is with. “So now we’ve got a name for our watermelon and we’ve learned something!”

He sounded so genuinely excited. It was so funny and wholesome.

The Mother Of All Comebacks, Part 3

Around the time when the internet was becoming popular and more and more services were appearing on it (banking, directory services, etc.) our library started offering computer and internet beginner lessons to our patrons. Most of those taking them were older people.

An older woman walks in with her adult son:

Adult Son: “Can I sign my mum into your internet classes?”

Me: “Absolutely!” I turn to his mother. “We run them every day at 11 AM and 3 PM. What time works for you?”

Adult Son: “The earliest possible time! I’ve run out of patience. It took me three days just to teach her how to use a mouse!”

Mom: “And it took me three years to teach you how to use a f****** spoon. Now shut up, she was talking to me, not you…”

The Mother Of All Comebacks

(One of my sexist coworkers has been unsuccessfully trying to convince me that men are the superior gender. After I shoot down various arguments, this happens…)

Coworker: “Well, you know that male superiority is built directly into the language we speak.”

Me: “What are you talking about?”

Coworker: “Everyone knows our language is referred to as the King’s English.”

Me: “Are you talking about our mother tongue?”

Coworker: sputters in frustration and walks away, mumbling

they were actually calling somebody named “Good Morning”

When Flirting With The Fuzz Goes FUBAR

In my twenties, I was, shall we say, naive? I was gullible, took things literally, and just didn’t really understand the way of the world.

One night, I stopped at a gas station and went inside to grab a few things, before paying for my gas. At the counter, I saw an attractive young policeman paying for his stuff.

Now, this was two decades ago, before certain movements and slogans. I routinely smiled and waved at cops and thanked them for serving and protecting. I really believed in it, you know?

So, faced with an attractive young policeman (Did I mention he was attractive?), I thought I’d thank him for his service and maybe start up a conversation. So, looking for something to say, beyond “Thanks”, I noticed that the seams on his trousers were REALLY wide.

So, I greeted him and asked about the seams.

Me: “Wow! Those seams are really wide. I’ve never seen seams like that.”

Policeman: “They’re Velcro, ma’am.”

In the South, any adult woman is called “ma’am”, if you’re trying to be respectful. It’s exactly what one expects to hear from a cop.

Me: “Oh, is that so that you can remove them quickly, in case of an emergency? I can’t really think of the sort of emergency that would require you to remove your pants quickly, but I guess the police see all kinds of emergencies and like to be prepared for everything, right?”

He just looked at me, with a sort of deer-in-the-headlights look, and finally said:

Policeman: “I’m a stripper, ma’am.”

The guy behind the counter laughed his head off. I was just too flummoxed to respond until he was already finished and gone. Too bad. Did I mention that he was attractive?

Bring Them A Banana Split

I am walking up to a table near the end of the night to ask if they would like to order any coffees. As I approach, I hear the guy say:

Customer: “You can’t break up with me, I just ordered you dessert!”

I immediately turned around and went back to the host stand.

Host: “What happened? I just saw you do a 180.”

I explain.

Host: “Ooooh, yeah. That table is either leaving in the next minute… or we’re kicking them out half an hour after closing…”

Tech-nically Doing Her Job To The Letter

When my son was born, he had some pretty serious medical problems and ended up in the NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit). My wife was recovering from her C-section, and I was stressed out of my mind sitting by my son’s bedside after being awake for fifty-six hours. We knew he had fluid around his lungs, but we didn’t know why or what else could be wrong.

Someone whom I presumed was a tech came by to ultrasound my son’s brain and check for malformations. The tech was also training someone else.

Me: “Is he okay? Is there damage? Can he recover?”

Tech: “I’m really sorry, but I’m not allowed to interpret the scan. I’m just here to record it, and the doctors will interpret it and speak to you later.”

Me: “Please! Please can you tell me anything?”

Tech: “I’m so sorry. I’m not allowed to. I wish I could.”

While I was sitting there near tears, the tech turned back to continue the scan and spoke to her trainee very loudly.

Tech: “See, this here that is what you are looking for; when we do this check, we are looking for a formation like this. This is a textbook example of what A NORMAL FORMATION LOOKS LIKE.”

On the remote chance you ever read this, I truly want to say thank you. You gave me some assurance at a time when my world was upside down, and I will appreciate it until the day I die.

Oh, and my son is doing great. An operation to remove a clot in his thoracic duct, and he is a healthy, happy, rambunctious little boy and the light of his parents’ world.

Thanks for all of these, Yakety.

morning has broken…somebody fix it

Morning people are respected – night people are feared.

Mornings should be taken out and shot at dawn.

Yeah, I’d like to know that as well…

“Good morning, good morning,

It’s great to stay out late,

Good morning, good morning to you."

School song we in the early grades sang to our teachers at the beginning of the day:

.

“Good Morning to You, Good Morning to You!

We’re all in our places

With bright shining faces

Good Morning to You, Good Morning to You!”

And a mediocre morning to you too!

Oh that’s easy, they weren’t a full time drunk, so morning is a wonderful time of the day.

I like mornings. Colorful sunrises are awesome

When greeting someone i would always say “Morning”.

I believe it originally started as wishing someone to have a “good morning”.

That person had a Heart of Gold Aunty. Not a finger flip off.

Mornings are great but they could be better if they came later in the day.

I get up. I tale my pulse. If I have one, it’s a good morning.

Saying ‘good morning’ to people is polite and such courteous greeting is as basic as ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ in our daily lives. When you say ‘good morning’, you are not only greeting the person but also wishing them well for the day.

Sunshine in the morning is the best kind of sunshine.

Proverbs 27:14 NLT – A loud and cheerful greeting early in the morning will be taken as a curse!

Yes, please do.

When all my animals are where they should be, and accounted for, when I get up in the am, it’s GOOD!!!

My wife, who was a night person, always said mornings would be fine if they started at noon.

I usually just say Morning after getting up. It’s too early to know how good my day will go

When you get to a certain age you’ll think of them as good mornings cause you woke for another day.

They are not saying that it IS a good morning but that they are WISHING you a good morning.

When Cat Stevens wrote Morning has Broken he did not have a melody so he asked his good friend Rick Wakeman from the band Yes if he could help and it was when Rick just finished the album Six Wives of Henry VIII and the song drew inspiration from the song Catherine Howard. I remember a live video of Cat singing the song and Rick playing the piano, there is a remake of the same fairly recently.

“Good Morning!" said Bilbo, and he meant it. The sun was shining, and the grass was very green. But Gandalf looked at him from under long bushy eyebrows that stuck out further than the brim of his shady hat.

“What do you mean?” he said. “Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?”

“All of them at once,” said Bilbo.

His head had a working brain? They could have said that.

Any morning you wake up is a good morning.

For a long time, I would greet my coworkers with a deadpan “Morning.” If asked about “good,” I would say I hadn’t made up my mind about it yet.