Pearls Before Swine by Stephan Pastis for May 09, 2004

Transcript:

"Editor's note: Stephan Pastis is on vacation this week. Filling in for him is his neighbor from across the street, Nunzio J. Panagetti" "This is my neighbor, Stephan. I hate him." "Last Tuesday, the Pigboy himself asks if I want to go to the bookstore with him. 'Why?' I says. 'Because I want to see if they have the two 'Pearls' books,' he says. Even though I hate him, I go." "And sp there we is... Ma and Mr. Self-absorbed, who prances into the bookstore like he's queen of the @#@#@#@ Maypole." "I was hoping they had none of his book so I could look him in the eye and say '@#@#@#@ you!' But they did and that made me want to punch him in the head... I always want to punch him in the head." "So the next thing I know, the little Pigboy has grabbed an armful of his books and is at the sales counter, where he offers to sign each of the books." "Sales counter" "The book-loser-people go gaga when Pigboy's finished signing, they put a sticker on the front of the books that says 'autographed copy.'" "As we're walking to the car, I asks, 'Why do you do that?' And the big fathead says, 'It's one of the perks of being a famous cartoonist... People love your autograph.' To which I says, 'But they don't even ask for your I.D. you could have been anyone.' 'I know,' he says, 'they never ask for I.D.'" "The next day I returned to the bookstore and walked straight to the sales counter. 'Gimme a pen,' I says, 'I'm John Grisham." "Sales counter"