It will be Pesach for awhile…and I’m fresh out of Easter jokes. So Happy/Kosher/As You Like It Passover, all! Here’s another one for those who Abide:In the early part of the twentieth century, the merchants in the Jewish ghetto of New York City tended to advertise their businesses with window displays. A butcher might have a chicken or a leg of lamb in his window; a tailor, a suit. So when a man needed a clock repaired, he saw a window with a clock in it and entered the establishment. However, the shopkeeper shook his head in negation. “I don’t repair clocks,” he said.
“Well, what do you do?” the man asked.
“I’m a mohel,” the proprietor told the man. “I perform circumcisions on eight-day old Jewish boys.”
“But why do you have a clock in your window?”
“If you were a mohel, what would you have in your window?”
Bada bing, etc. Out! (Yes, a nod to our Founder, Steve Silver.)
This seems oddly appropriate for this weekend. No disrespect intended for anyone.
A Jewish man decides his son isn’t religious enough, so pays for him to go visit Israel. When the son comes back, however, he says he’s a Christian now.
The father goes to his friend exasperated to explain the situation, and his friend says “that’s funny, I sent my son to Israel last year, and when he came back he also said he was Christian.”
The two men decide they should speak to their rabbi about this, but when they explain the situation, the rabbi says “that’s funny, two years ago I sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian.”
The three men decide only God can have the answer, so they pray. The rabbi says aloud “dear God, all three of us sent our sons to Israel, and all of them came back Christian.”
The bit about the retinas predicting early death seems to make as much sense as lifelines on the palm. The only possibility that I can see is perhaps the veins are larger if the blood pressure is high. But there are more reliable ways to determine high blood pressure.
An Englishman, an American and a Japanese are doing white water rafting, when all of a sudden, they spot a huge drop to a waterfall they never knew was there. They are moments away from plunging over a waterfall to their doom…
Suddenly a genie appears. The genie explains that he is the spirit of the waterfall, and he is of limited power. He cannot prevent their inevitable deaths, but he can grant each man one wish before he dies.
The American steps up first. “I love my country. Before I die I want to sing my national anthem one last time. The full version. Give my friends lyrics sheets, so they can join in. I want a full backing orchestra and a gospel choir.”
“It will be done.” says the genie.
The Japanese goes next. “I love my country too. Nothing represents it better than our wonderful cuisine. Please let me taste one more time, the delicacies of my village. I want fermented sticky soy beans. Fresh sea urchin . Pickled seaweed. Sugared omelettes. And please….provide enough so I can share the meal with my friends.”
“It will be done.” says the genie.
The Englishman quietly approaches the genie, and whispers in his ear ’Just send me over the waterfall before the bloody song starts and the food gets here."
3 guys were in a car wreck and went to Heaven. They dusted themselves off and got in line to wait to see St. Peter at the Gates.
After a while, they got up to the front and it was their turn to approach the gates.
St. Peter: “I’m afraid I have some bad news. Heaven has been rather crowded of late, so many bad things are happening, we are flooded with applicants. You all are nice folks, but I’m going to have to ask you a question, kind of like a quiz. Understand?”
The 3 men nodded. St. Peter took the first one aside.
St. Peter: “OK, what is the meaning of Easter?”
“Oh, that’s easy! The Easter Bunny brings around eggs to all the good little boys and girls, and there’s cake and ice cream for everyone!”
St. Peter: “No, I’m afraid that’s not it. You’ll have to take the lift down. Cheer up, it’s not so bad, central heating and all. Off you go!”
The man disappears through the clouds. St. Peter goes back for the next fellow.
St. Peter: “OK, tell me the meaning of Easter.”
The second man “I think that’s when we have the lights on the tree and presents. And turkey, I do love turkey!”
St. Peter: “Off you go,” and the man heads down.
At his wit’s end, St. Peter heads back for the third man.
St. Peter: “I hope you have better luck than those other two. What’s the meaning of Easter??”
Third man: “Well, it’s about when Jesus was crucified, they put his body sealed up in a cave for 3 days…”
St. Peter: “Hallelujah!!! C’mon in!” and with that, St. Peter threw open the Gates to Heaven, and the fellow was admitted to the realm of the Divine.
St. Pete was happy and very relieved to have let him in after having to reject the other two. He gave him the grand tour: The tennis courts, the golf course, the Olympus-sized swimming pool…
St. Peter: “I’m impressed with your knowledge of Easter, tell me more.”
Third man: “Well, there’s not too much more to the story. They rolled the rock away from the cave, and if Jesus sees his shadow, there’s 6 more weeks of Winter!”
Bartley MacDermott wants a job, but the boss won’t hire him until he passes a simple math test. The boss says:
“Here is your first question; without using numbers, represent the number 9.”Bartley say:
“Without numbers? That’s easy.”Bartley proceeds to draw three trees:
The boss asks:
“What the heck is this?”To which Bartley replies:“Have you no brain? Tree and tree, plus tree makes 9.”The boss responds:
“Okay, here is your second question.Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.”Bartley stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree.. “There ye go.”
The boss scratches his head and says:“How on earth do you get that to represent 99?”
To which Bartley replies:“Each of the trees is dirty now. So, it’s dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99.”
The boss is getting worried that he’s actually going to have to hire Bartley,so he says:“All right, last question. Same rules again,but represent the number 100.”
Bartley stares into space a bit,then he picks up the picture and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, “Here ye go. One hundred.”
The boss looks at the picture:“You must be crazy if you think that represents a hundred!”
Bartley leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each treeand says:“A little dog came along and pooped by each tree.So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd,and dirty tree and a turd, which makes 100.”
A man with really bad eyesight was going for a job as a pilot.
It was his dream job, so he asked a friend how he might get passed the interview, what with his terrible eyesight and all.
His friend said “stick a pin in a tree on the other side of the field from the office. When they ask you about your eyesight say that you’re able to see a pin stuck in the tree and it’s been distracting you during the interview.”
The next week the friend asked how the interview went.
“I didn’t get the job. Everything was going well until they asked about my eyesight. I had done what you said — I stuck a pin in the tree, and mentioned in during the interview. They wanted to see this pin for themselves, so we all went across the field to see it.”
“Ok, that sounds fine — you did have the pin stuck in the tree. So what happened?”
Back in the days of savoring very remote nature enhanced by some green smoke, I had bicycled out to a distant park and stopped at rock outcropping next to the pathway. After climbing to the top and delighting in my surroundings I had set my stone pipe down there and forgot about it as revely set in. Time passed and the pipe was unnoticed as I set off towards home. Several months later I revisited that spot and found it was still there where I left it.
Side note: I often consult the Thesaurus when I use a word more than once, but did not find anything suitable for “pipe.” tobacco pipe, briar (pipe), meerschaum, clay pipe; [British] churchwarden; [Scottish & Northern English] cutty; [Irish, historical] dudeen; [rare] calabash, calumet, chibouk, hookah, narghile, calean, hubble-bubble, bong, chillum.
Diabetic Retinopathy. Elevated blood sugar causes macro and micro damage to the retina. When a patient is diagnosed as a Diabetic, it is recommended they have a retina scan, and progressive history scans to detect if there is degeneration. If a person were to have routine retina history (scans) diabetes could be detected before blood sugar elevation is found.
Glaucoma – this one is obvious.
High Blood Pressure. Hypertension, also commonly referred to as high blood pressure is not always immediately detected in individuals. With no diagnosis and treatment, hypertension increases the risk of going on for years before the patient realizes that they have the disease. Digital retinal imaging makes early detection possible and shows signs of the disease in the eye, including narrow, thickened or ruptured blood vessels, retinal spots, or bleeding blood vessels in the back of the eyes.
Retinal Age Related Macular Degeneration. Also kind of obvious. Retinal changes in individuals who have age-related macular degeneration (AMD) can be detected during a digital retinal imaging exam. AMD is a leading cause of vision loss in people over 50 and may show signs such as diminished vision quality, distortion of straight lines, whiteout in the center of one’s vision, blurry vision, fluid or blood leakage bleeding from abnormal blood vessels of the eye. The imaging exam is able to show pockets of fluid in the retina small deposits (drusen) under the retina and retinal thinning from cell death (geographic atrophy).
Papilledema, which is the swelling of the optic nerve due to increased pressure in the brain, can point to a number of serious underlying conditions, including:
Tumors in the brain or eyeEye injuryHead injury or traumaEncephalitisMeningitisStrokeLife-threatening hypertension
eromlig over 2 years ago
It will be Pesach for awhile…and I’m fresh out of Easter jokes. So Happy/Kosher/As You Like It Passover, all! Here’s another one for those who Abide:In the early part of the twentieth century, the merchants in the Jewish ghetto of New York City tended to advertise their businesses with window displays. A butcher might have a chicken or a leg of lamb in his window; a tailor, a suit. So when a man needed a clock repaired, he saw a window with a clock in it and entered the establishment. However, the shopkeeper shook his head in negation. “I don’t repair clocks,” he said.
“Well, what do you do?” the man asked.
“I’m a mohel,” the proprietor told the man. “I perform circumcisions on eight-day old Jewish boys.”
“But why do you have a clock in your window?”
“If you were a mohel, what would you have in your window?”
Bada bing, etc. Out! (Yes, a nod to our Founder, Steve Silver.)
monkeysky over 2 years ago
I don’t have any fun facts about sea urchins, but they are really cool. Does anyone else have any to share?
Charlie Fogwhistle over 2 years ago
This seems oddly appropriate for this weekend. No disrespect intended for anyone.
A Jewish man decides his son isn’t religious enough, so pays for him to go visit Israel. When the son comes back, however, he says he’s a Christian now.
The father goes to his friend exasperated to explain the situation, and his friend says “that’s funny, I sent my son to Israel last year, and when he came back he also said he was Christian.”
The two men decide they should speak to their rabbi about this, but when they explain the situation, the rabbi says “that’s funny, two years ago I sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian.”
The three men decide only God can have the answer, so they pray. The rabbi says aloud “dear God, all three of us sent our sons to Israel, and all of them came back Christian.”
God’s voice booms down “that’s funny…”
Until next time.
pearlsbs over 2 years ago
The cartoonist is not showing the retina in the drawing.
Templo S.U.D. over 2 years ago
That US$3,000,00 equal to £2,297,090 and 40 pence, or is that £3,000,000 equal to $3,917,997?
The eye tidbit: oh, really?
Bilan over 2 years ago
The bit about the retinas predicting early death seems to make as much sense as lifelines on the palm. The only possibility that I can see is perhaps the veins are larger if the blood pressure is high. But there are more reliable ways to determine high blood pressure.
JDP_Huntington Beach over 2 years ago
The Genie, the Waterfall and Their Last Wish
An Englishman, an American and a Japanese are doing white water rafting, when all of a sudden, they spot a huge drop to a waterfall they never knew was there. They are moments away from plunging over a waterfall to their doom…
Suddenly a genie appears. The genie explains that he is the spirit of the waterfall, and he is of limited power. He cannot prevent their inevitable deaths, but he can grant each man one wish before he dies.
The American steps up first. “I love my country. Before I die I want to sing my national anthem one last time. The full version. Give my friends lyrics sheets, so they can join in. I want a full backing orchestra and a gospel choir.”
“It will be done.” says the genie.
The Japanese goes next. “I love my country too. Nothing represents it better than our wonderful cuisine. Please let me taste one more time, the delicacies of my village. I want fermented sticky soy beans. Fresh sea urchin . Pickled seaweed. Sugared omelettes. And please….provide enough so I can share the meal with my friends.”
“It will be done.” says the genie.
The Englishman quietly approaches the genie, and whispers in his ear ’Just send me over the waterfall before the bloody song starts and the food gets here."
JDP_Huntington Beach over 2 years ago
3 guys were in a car wreck and went to Heaven. They dusted themselves off and got in line to wait to see St. Peter at the Gates.
After a while, they got up to the front and it was their turn to approach the gates.
St. Peter: “I’m afraid I have some bad news. Heaven has been rather crowded of late, so many bad things are happening, we are flooded with applicants. You all are nice folks, but I’m going to have to ask you a question, kind of like a quiz. Understand?”
The 3 men nodded. St. Peter took the first one aside.
St. Peter: “OK, what is the meaning of Easter?”
“Oh, that’s easy! The Easter Bunny brings around eggs to all the good little boys and girls, and there’s cake and ice cream for everyone!”
St. Peter: “No, I’m afraid that’s not it. You’ll have to take the lift down. Cheer up, it’s not so bad, central heating and all. Off you go!”
The man disappears through the clouds. St. Peter goes back for the next fellow.
St. Peter: “OK, tell me the meaning of Easter.”
The second man “I think that’s when we have the lights on the tree and presents. And turkey, I do love turkey!”
St. Peter: “Off you go,” and the man heads down.
At his wit’s end, St. Peter heads back for the third man.
St. Peter: “I hope you have better luck than those other two. What’s the meaning of Easter??”
Third man: “Well, it’s about when Jesus was crucified, they put his body sealed up in a cave for 3 days…”
St. Peter: “Hallelujah!!! C’mon in!” and with that, St. Peter threw open the Gates to Heaven, and the fellow was admitted to the realm of the Divine.
St. Pete was happy and very relieved to have let him in after having to reject the other two. He gave him the grand tour: The tennis courts, the golf course, the Olympus-sized swimming pool…
St. Peter: “I’m impressed with your knowledge of Easter, tell me more.”
Third man: “Well, there’s not too much more to the story. They rolled the rock away from the cave, and if Jesus sees his shadow, there’s 6 more weeks of Winter!”
theincrediblebulk over 2 years ago
Bartley MacDermott wants a job, but the boss won’t hire him until he passes a simple math test. The boss says:
“Here is your first question; without using numbers, represent the number 9.”Bartley say:
“Without numbers? That’s easy.”Bartley proceeds to draw three trees:
The boss asks:
“What the heck is this?”To which Bartley replies:“Have you no brain? Tree and tree, plus tree makes 9.”The boss responds:
“Okay, here is your second question.Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.”Bartley stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree.. “There ye go.”
The boss scratches his head and says:“How on earth do you get that to represent 99?”
To which Bartley replies:“Each of the trees is dirty now. So, it’s dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99.”
The boss is getting worried that he’s actually going to have to hire Bartley,so he says:“All right, last question. Same rules again,but represent the number 100.”
Bartley stares into space a bit,then he picks up the picture and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, “Here ye go. One hundred.”
The boss looks at the picture:“You must be crazy if you think that represents a hundred!”
Bartley leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each treeand says:“A little dog came along and pooped by each tree.So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd,and dirty tree and a turd, which makes 100.”
Barley is now the new supervisor!
Huckleberry Hiroshima over 2 years ago
I googled it and it’s true, dying at 3am – 6am, quite early, is often seen in the eyes at 2am by the pizza guy.
Take care, may forgotten pr0n star Lesley “I Faked Every Orgasm” Nielsord be with you, and gesundheit.
FassEddie over 2 years ago
A man with really bad eyesight was going for a job as a pilot.
It was his dream job, so he asked a friend how he might get passed the interview, what with his terrible eyesight and all.
His friend said “stick a pin in a tree on the other side of the field from the office. When they ask you about your eyesight say that you’re able to see a pin stuck in the tree and it’s been distracting you during the interview.”
The next week the friend asked how the interview went.
“I didn’t get the job. Everything was going well until they asked about my eyesight. I had done what you said — I stuck a pin in the tree, and mentioned in during the interview. They wanted to see this pin for themselves, so we all went across the field to see it.”
“Ok, that sounds fine — you did have the pin stuck in the tree. So what happened?”
“I tripped over a cow…”
Gregg Palmer Premium Member over 2 years ago
Karat refers to the purity of gold. Carat ( or karat) refers to the size of a gemstone.
mindjob over 2 years ago
Too bad that English couple spent most of their 3 million on lawn mowers, hedge tools and landscaping companies to mow their lawn
dv1093 over 2 years ago
I wonder 1) If Margaret got an insurance pay-off on her diamond ring, and if so, 2) did she return the money?
oakie817 over 2 years ago
i can do that with eyes too…if you have to pry the lid open, he’s dead
moondog42 Premium Member over 2 years ago
My doctor only tells me if they think I’ll go blind prematurely. Which doctors should I be seeing instead…?
Dean over 2 years ago
Back in the days of savoring very remote nature enhanced by some green smoke, I had bicycled out to a distant park and stopped at rock outcropping next to the pathway. After climbing to the top and delighting in my surroundings I had set my stone pipe down there and forgot about it as revely set in. Time passed and the pipe was unnoticed as I set off towards home. Several months later I revisited that spot and found it was still there where I left it.
Side note: I often consult the Thesaurus when I use a word more than once, but did not find anything suitable for “pipe.” tobacco pipe, briar (pipe), meerschaum, clay pipe; [British] churchwarden; [Scottish & Northern English] cutty; [Irish, historical] dudeen; [rare] calabash, calumet, chibouk, hookah, narghile, calean, hubble-bubble, bong, chillum.
JDP_Huntington Beach over 2 years ago
Retina scans can detect numerous ailments.
Diabetic Retinopathy. Elevated blood sugar causes macro and micro damage to the retina. When a patient is diagnosed as a Diabetic, it is recommended they have a retina scan, and progressive history scans to detect if there is degeneration. If a person were to have routine retina history (scans) diabetes could be detected before blood sugar elevation is found.
Glaucoma – this one is obvious.
High Blood Pressure. Hypertension, also commonly referred to as high blood pressure is not always immediately detected in individuals. With no diagnosis and treatment, hypertension increases the risk of going on for years before the patient realizes that they have the disease. Digital retinal imaging makes early detection possible and shows signs of the disease in the eye, including narrow, thickened or ruptured blood vessels, retinal spots, or bleeding blood vessels in the back of the eyes.
Retinal Age Related Macular Degeneration. Also kind of obvious. Retinal changes in individuals who have age-related macular degeneration (AMD) can be detected during a digital retinal imaging exam. AMD is a leading cause of vision loss in people over 50 and may show signs such as diminished vision quality, distortion of straight lines, whiteout in the center of one’s vision, blurry vision, fluid or blood leakage bleeding from abnormal blood vessels of the eye. The imaging exam is able to show pockets of fluid in the retina small deposits (drusen) under the retina and retinal thinning from cell death (geographic atrophy).
Papilledema, which is the swelling of the optic nerve due to increased pressure in the brain, can point to a number of serious underlying conditions, including:
Tumors in the brain or eyeEye injuryHead injury or traumaEncephalitisMeningitisStrokeLife-threatening hypertension
pbr50138 over 2 years ago
Because I’m a diabetic, I get my eyes checked more often than non diabetics. They always say my blood vessels looked good…so far.
nicka93 over 2 years ago
Sea urchins are very tasty, the raw quale’s egg broken on top not so much.