Ted Rall for September 27, 2013

Transcript:

Get ready for Obamacare! It's fun, it's cheap, and it's easy! Ignore the critics who cry "too complicated" and "no one knows what to do" and stuff like that. Beginning October 1- later in some states, computer glitches may cause delays depending on your demographic status- it's time to join an intuitively named "health insurance marketplace" public healthcare exchange. Follow these easy steps to find low-cost, affordable insurance (low-cost in some parts of some states, not-so-low-cost in other parts). Don't worry! If you can't figure it out, we'll charge you a fine. (What you'll need to get started: Computer, printer, paper, high speed internet connection. Don't worry! If you're poor and/ or don't have access to a computer, one will be provided for you at a store that sells computers. Cash or credit accepted.) (Still have your identity? Congrats! Now it's time to find the reload button on your web browser. In a nation with 320 million people, of whom 50 million are uninsured, your state health insurance exchnge website is going to crash. Reload. Reload. Repeat. Reload.) (Next, enter your detailed medical history and financial status in the appropriate fields. Upload 225 dpi RGB PDFs of supporting documents as required. Not fluent in english or spanish? Don't worry! You can obtain a translator for about $50-$100 per hour from some translating service. Dammit! Lost everything! Reload. Hey, you might want to try this again at 3 AM. Now comes the fun part. Choose the plan that best fits your family's needs. Think carefully. The wrong doctor could kill your child. Also: Please hurry! The website could crash any second! (Platnum: You're a constantly sick, you are a 1%er, money is no object. Covers everything including penile implants.) (Gold: You get sick often, you are rich, you can pay a lot. Covers surgery, checkups and dental- not vision.) (Silver: You may or may not get sick, your income is middling, so you prefer to pay less. Covers broken legs, stuff like that. A Good option for people who can't afford the Gold Plan.) (Bronze: You're strong as an ox, you're broke. Covers doctors visits on a standby bast. A good option for people who think there is more to life than living a long time. (Plastic: Doesn't cover anything, which is a strong in document to take care of yourself. Slightly less than the coast of the fine for not signing up for Obamacare. Do you smoke? If so add a 25% surcharge to the cost of your plan. Bear in mind, NSA sensors on your computer can tell if your lying. If your income falls between 100% and 250% of the federal poverty level ($11,490 to $28,725 for an individual) You may be eligible for a cost-sharing reduction subsidy. Which can help lower your deductibles, copayents, and coinsurance. In order to recieve cost-sharing reductions, you must purchase a silver plan on the marketplace. You will still have a variety of plans from which to choose, but it must be Silver to be able to take advantage of the cost-sharing reduction subsity. Congrats! You are now enrolled in Obamacare. Oops crashed.