The Comic Strip That Has A Finale Every Day by John "Scully" Scully for May 14, 2015

Hi Pete!

A Professor Calls “Pencils Down” and one students keeps writing.

When the student goes to turn in his exam, the professor tells him, “l’m not going to accept this, you didn’t put your pencil down when I said to.”

“Do you have any idea who I am?” The student says, snobbily.

“I don’t have the slightest idea who you are and I don’t care,” the professor retorted.

“Good!” The student replied as he slipped his exam into the middle of the stack and walked away.

A cop sees a suspect he’a been on the lookout for, breakdancing.

He reports to dispatch, “Suspect spotted engaging in high-profile break-dancing in the main square.”

New dispatch responds, “Copy that” … instead of the usual 10-4.

Somewhat confused, the Cop says, “I’ve had a couple lessons but I’m no way as good as him, sir.”

Gotta raise an eyebrow on this one!

That One Soldier:

As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, “All right! All you idiots fall out.”

As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention.

The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said, “Sure was a lot of ’em, huh, sir?”

( for the Nov 15 Ripley’s)

Underwear Joke…

As I knelt down with a pair of size 4 shoes in front of this blonde in a short skirt, I couldn’t resist a quick glance at her undies:

“Hey cheeky!” she said as she gave me a playful kick, “I bet the only reason you work here is to look up girls’ skirts, isn’t it?”

“That’s an absolutely ridiculous accusation, madam.” I said sternly. “I don’t work here!”

(Ripley’s Nov. 16 submission)

The Parrot and the Dumpster

A woman walks by a pet store everyday on her way to work and everyday the parrot out front calls her ugly!!

Finally she confronts the store owner about his rude parrot. He apologizes to her profusely. He then scolds the bird and promised her that it wouldn’t happen again.

Next day she walks by the store and again the parrot calls her ugly!! This time she threatens the owner with legal action. So he takes the parrot out back, shows him the dumpster and tells the parrot that if he calls her ugly one more time he’ll break his neck and throw his carcass in the bin.

The next day the lady walks by staring at the bird…. nothing!

She gets past the bird, stops and looks back. The parrot then says, “You know!”

(For Ripley’s Nov. 17)

It’s crude, but it’s all I got!

I went to the Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions. I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out. She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.

I said, “A folding bottle.”

She said, “Okay. What do you call it?”

“A Fottle.” I replied.

“What else do you have?” she asked.

“A folding carton.” I said.

“What do you call it?”

“A Farton.” was my reply.

She snickered and said, “Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude.”

I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket.

(Nov, 18)

I love Reading!

So, I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned around and saw an old lady. She said to me, “Sonny, would you like some nuts? I’ve got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you’d like.”

“Sure.” I replied. She gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.

“What a nice lady,” I thought, while happily munching on the nuts.

A few minutes later, I felt another tap on my shoulder and there she was again, offering some nuts. I gladly accepted and she went back to her seat.

After about 10 minutes, she tapped me on the shoulder, once again offering some nuts.

I asked her, “Why don’t you eat them yourself?”

“Because we’ve got no teeth.” she replied.

“Then why do you buy them?” I asked.

“Oh, because we just love the chocolate around them.”

(Nov. 19)

It was a huge grocery store and my first time there.

I asked an employee where the cereal was, and he said, “I’ll see.” And walked off.

5 minutes later, I asked another employee about the cereal, and he too said, “I’ll see,” and walked away.

I continued on and eventually found it myself. It was in aisle C!

(Nov 20 on Ripley’s)

A family goes to the zoo

They’re excited to see all the exotic animals, birds & reptiles. The first enclosure is empty, totally deserted.

Unperturbed they carry on to the next one.. again it’s empty!

Every single enclosure, cage, and run they encounter is empty, deserted and unkempt..

Except, right beside the exit is the last one; a single small solitary cage. And in it sat a small furry creature.. a dog!

The father looked at it and it occurred to him,

“This is a shih tzu!”

( Ripley’s Nov. 21)

An elderly, married couple walks into a hospital.

The doctor says to the old man, “I’ll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample.”

The old man says, “What?” So the doctor says it again. Once again the deaf old codger says, “What?”

So the doctor yells it: “I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!”

With that the old man’s wife turns to her doddery husband and says, “He needs a pair of your underwear!”

(Ripley’s Nov. 22)

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died on Veggie Day of a severe yeast infection.

He was 71.

He was buried Friday in one of the biggest funerals in years.

Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies.

The graveside was piled high with flours, as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who “never knew he was kneaded”.

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers.

He was not considered a smart cookie, and wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model to millions.

Fresh is survived by his second wife.

They had two children, and one in the oven.

The funeral was at 3:50 for 20 minutes.

(Nov. 23)

Snoring like a Bear

The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

They said, “Man, what happened to you?"

He said, “Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.”

The next night it was a different guy’s turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.

They said, “Man, what happened to you? You look awful!”

He said, “Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night.”

The third night was Fred’s turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man’s man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. “Good morning!” he said.

They couldn’t believe it. They said, “Man, what happened?”

“Not really sure,” he said, “We got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.. Then Bob sat up and watched me all night.”