The Argyle Sweater by Scott Hilburn for May 22, 2015

It was April the Forty-first, being a quadruple leap year;I was driving in downtown Atlantis. My Barracuda was in the shop, so I was in a rented Stingray, and it was overheating. So I pulled into a Shell station; they said I’d blown a seal.I said, “Fix the damn thing and leave my private life out of it, okay, pal?” While they were doing that, I walked over to a place called the Oyster Bar. A real dive. But I knew the owner; he used to play for the dolphins. I said, “HI GILL!” (You have to yell, he’s hard of herring.) Chorus:Think I had a wet dream, cruisin’ through the Gulf stream.Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. Wet dream. Gill was also down on his luck. Fact is, he was barely keeping his head below water. I bellied up to the sandbar; he poured the usual: Rusty Snail, hold the grunion, shaken, not stirred. With a peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich on the side, heavy on the mako. I slipped him a fin, on porpoise. I was feeling good; I even dropped a sand dollar in the box for Jerry’s Squids,for the halibut. Well, the place was crowded. We were packed in like sardines. They were all there to listen to the big band sounds of Tommy Dorsal.What sole. Tommy was rockin’ the place with a very popular tuna,“Salmonchanted Evening”, and the stage was surrounded by screaming groupers,Probably there to see the bass player. One of them was this cute little yellowtail, and she was givin’ me the eye.So I figured this was my chance for a little fun. You know, piece of Pisces. But she said things I just couldn’t fathom. She was too deep, seemed to be under a lot of pressure. Boy, could she drink. She drank like a…She drank a lot.I said, “What’s your sign?”She said, “Aquarium.”I said, “Great! Let’s get tanked!” Chorus I invited her up to my place for a little midnight bait. I said, “C’mon baby, it’ll only take a few minnows.”She threw me that same old line: “Not tonight, I got a haddock.” And she wasn’t kidding, either, cause in came the biggest,meanest looking haddock I’d ever seen come down the pike. He was covered with mussels. He came over to me; he said, “Listen, Shrimp. Don’t you come trollin’ around here.” What a crab. This guy was steamed. I could see the anchor in his eyes. I turned to him and I said, “Abalone! You’re just being shellfish.”Well, I knew there was going to be trouble, and so did Gill,cause he was already on the phone to the cods. The haddock hits me with a sucker punch. I catch him with a left hook.He eels over. It was a fluke, but there he was, lying on the deck,flat as a mackerel, kelpless. I said, "Forget the cods, Gill. This guy’s going to need a sturgeon.Well, the yellowtail was impressed with the way I landed her boyfriend. She came over to me; she said, “Hey, big boy, you’re really a game fish. What’s your name?”I said, “Marlin.” Chorus Well, from then on we had a whale of a time. I took her to dinner; I took her to dance; I bought her a bouquet of flounders. And then I went home with her.And what did I get for my trouble? A case of the clams.

Wet Dream by Kip Addotta(written by Biff Manard)available on: •White Boy Rapp, Laff Records 12" EP 320, 1984 •Comedian of the United States, Rhino LP/cassette 70829, 1985 •Dr. Demento Presents the Greatest Novelty Records of All Time, Vol. 5: the 1980’s, Rhino LP/cassette 824, 1985 [note: this song is only on pressings made 1987 and after] •Dr. Demento Presents the Greatest Novelty CD of All Time, Rhino 75768, 1988 <LIDr. Demento – 20th Anniversary Collection, Rhino CD/cassette 70743, 1991