The Elderberries by Corey Pandolph and Phil Frank and Joe Troise for September 30, 2012
September 29, 2012
October 01, 2012
Transcript:
Miss Overdunne: The Elderpark Carolers are singing, Ludmilla! How lovely! Carolers: Christmas day is over with. The gifts they are abounding. The huge amount of useless junk, it really is astounding. I see you have a DVD to take into the shower. And I myself have just received a phone shaped like a flower. Oh, would you care to swap those socks for my ceramic kitten? Or maybe cooked dyed bright green, that I have hardly bitten? Fa-la-la and Fa-la-lee! Let's pile this stuff up higher, and dance around like we were kids, and light it all afire. Miss Overdunne: Ludmilla...do you smell smoke? Ludmilla: Give me department of fire.
Stop Giving Me Crap For Christmasby Bobby Gaylor
Just when you think you know meAnd I give you credit for being on the ballChristmas rolls around, I open your giftAnd I see, you don’t know me at allSo if you don’t listen to anything elseThat I say all year longPay close attention to this,Because this is my real holiday wish:
STOP GIVING ME USELESS CRAP FOR CHRISTMAS!
Forget the Clapper, I don’t need to turn my lights off from bedI don’t want a Chia Dog, a Chia Sheep, a Chia Cow, or a Chia HeadAnd don’t get some movie on video that’s been marked down to $3.99You wouldn’t want to watch this piece of junk, why do you think I want to waste my time?Now here’s something that cuts me to the bone:You order a subscription to Sports Illustrated,You keep the magazine and give me the stupid football phone.And I don’t need Abs of Steel,Buns of Steel,Richard Simmons’ Deal-a-MealOr absolutely anything made by Ron Popeil
STOP GIVING ME USELESS CRAP FOR CHRISTMAS!
(Chorus)Stop giving me crap for ChristmasUseless crap!Stop giving me crap for Christmas
I don’t need a radar detector, a compass, or a dashboard JesusOr my intestines bound up by a box of Hickory Farm CheesesI don’t need the Showtime Oven that cooks, like, 2 ducks, 12 garlic bulbs, and a turkeyOr a food dehydrator for dried fruit or beef jerkyAnd please, no wall-mounted or counter-top spice racksOr the Ab Roller, Ab Slide, Ab Rocker, Ab Dolly or the Torso TrackNo calendars featuring supermodel bimbos or babies in hatsAnd no Christmas music by the Jingle Dogs or the Jingle CatsAnd ask me my size.I’m tired of shirts where my fingers don’t even poke out of the sleevesAnd hey, isn’t this the fruitcake Uncle Mike gave you last Christmas Eve?And if you’re even remotely thinking about getting me that singing, joke-telling, wall-mounted bass,Just remember what that rhymes with, because that’s where I’m gonna stick it.
STOP GIVING ME USELESS CRAP FOR CHRISTMAS!
(Chorus)Stop giving me crap for ChristmasUseless crap!Stop giving me crap for Christmas
Alright, listen up.I don’t want anything proceeded by the word “decorative,”Anything that comes with a stuffed bear or a troll doll that says “I love you.”No electronic devices that, when you push a button, they say things like “Hey stupid!” or “Up yours!”I don’t want a pasta maker, a bread maker, a juice maker, a waffle maker, sandwich maker, salad maker, label maker, beer maker, wine maker,sausage maker, ice cream maker, pastry maker, salsa maker, coffee maker, sun tea makerIf I want that stuff, I’ll buy itI don’t want anything that chops, beats, grinds, purees, minces, or slicesCubes, shreds, blends, separates, juliennes, or dicesNo 2-gallon bottles of generic shampoo “Now with 10% More!”And nothing advertised with the slogan “Not available in any store!”You know, they say it’s the thought that counts,So instead of making me cringe every year with what you bought,Let’s call it even forever, and stop at the thought.
STOP GIVING ME USELESS CRAP FOR CHRISTMAS!
(Chorus)Stop giving me crap for ChristmasUseless crap!Stop giving me crap for Christmas
Forget about the one-pound Hershey Kiss or the big book of Life Savers,And no smoked almonds in a dozen different obscene artificial flavors,I don’t want a subscription to “Field & Stream,” “Sailing,” or “Understanding Zen,”And I stopped wearing pajamas when I was tenAnd if you’re thinking of anything from an infomercial by Tony Robbins, Body by Jake, Don Debris, Mary Lou Harris, Suzanne Summers or Billy BlanksI got two words for you: “No thanks!”Here’s something not to get me:A coffee mug with a slogan that says something like,“Don’t talk to Bobby, he hasn’t had his coffee yet.”You’re an idiot!
(Repeat chorus until end)Stop giving me crap for ChristmasUseless crap!Stop giving me crap for Christmas