Tom the Dancing Bug by Ruben Bolling for November 26, 2000

Transcript:

News of the Times U.S Sends Troops, Humanitarian Aid to U.S. The world's sole superpower, THE UNITED STATES, sent troops into THE UNITED STATES, a third world country mired in political chaos caused by a fatally tainted election. Marines left from North Carolina and, upon arrival in the U.S., set up base in "Camp Lejeune," a site chosen for its location and its existing military facilities. U.S. President BILL CLINTON explained the operation -- Bill: We can't have this political instability in our own back yard. We're gonna learn 'em some DEMOCRACY! Claims of ELECTION FRAUD and IRREGULARITIES should not be surprising in this backwater democracy... Lady: ...And the arrow looked like it was pointing at Gore... Soldier: I'll need you to just take a blanket, ma'am. The U.S.'s increasing economic disparity and it's insistence on such barbaric customs as capital punishment relegate it to third world status. As U.S. Secretary of State Madeleine Albright explains... Madeleine: This misbegotten banana republic can't even offer its citizens decent public education or health care! Conferences with local purported leaders have revealed a pathetically archaic legal and electoral system. Man 1: I called "do-over"! Man 2: But I called "No do-overs"! Anchor: When will the marines withdraw? Some say there's no way to know... But we at "News of the Times" now project a withdrawal in two weeks! And we also now project the Minnesota Vikings the winners of Super Bowl XXXV! Congrats, Vikings!