Customer: “It makes you look like a [gay slur]. You’re gonna go to Hell if you keep making showy un-Christian displays of yourself like that!”
Me: “I’m sorry that you’re lacking God-like empathy in your heart. I’ll pray for you.”
Customer: “You… will pray for me?! It should be me praying for you! You sinner!“
Me: “I’m so sorry that the Devil has made his home in your heart. You will be in my prayers tonight. I hope you can find your way back to the Lord.”
Customer: Sputtering “Stop it! I’m the holy one! Leviticus 18:22!”
Me: “Yes, even The Devil can quote scripture, but does that mean he understands it? I’ll pray for God to grant you understanding in the fullness of His Word.”
Customer: “Will… you… stop it?!“
Me: “I cannot. The power of Jesus compels me.”
The customer actually screeches and storms out without their groceries. The next customer timidly approaches.
Next Customer: “Did you just flip their script?”
Me: “Oh, yeah, it works wonders on homophobic suburban housewives and old bigots. The joy of watching their confusion as you call out their un-Christian behavior with actual Christian behavior is worth the hassle of putting back all their groceries.”
Next Customer: “‘Good Christian’ hacks. I’ll remember it!”
How To Hack A Christian Hack NOT MY STORY
Customer: “Why is part of your hair pink?”
Me: “I like coloring my hair sometimes.”
Customer: “It makes you look like a [gay slur]. You’re gonna go to Hell if you keep making showy un-Christian displays of yourself like that!”
Me: “I’m sorry that you’re lacking God-like empathy in your heart. I’ll pray for you.”
Customer: “You… will pray for me?! It should be me praying for you! You sinner!“
Me: “I’m so sorry that the Devil has made his home in your heart. You will be in my prayers tonight. I hope you can find your way back to the Lord.”
Customer: Sputtering “Stop it! I’m the holy one! Leviticus 18:22!”
Me: “Yes, even The Devil can quote scripture, but does that mean he understands it? I’ll pray for God to grant you understanding in the fullness of His Word.”
Customer: “Will… you… stop it?!“
Me: “I cannot. The power of Jesus compels me.”
The customer actually screeches and storms out without their groceries. The next customer timidly approaches.
Next Customer: “Did you just flip their script?”
Me: “Oh, yeah, it works wonders on homophobic suburban housewives and old bigots. The joy of watching their confusion as you call out their un-Christian behavior with actual Christian behavior is worth the hassle of putting back all their groceries.”
Next Customer: “‘Good Christian’ hacks. I’ll remember it!”