I once worked in a landfill. Among other things, we recycled wood into mulch. The locals all got nine yards free a year. It was not the best stuff, but hey, it’s free, right? Wrong.
This woman pulls in and gives me her order sheet: “Local free 9 yards”. Okay, I can do that.
She had a small Chevy S10 pickup that would hold maybe three or four yards at most, but she wanted it all NOW! And she wanted the red brick-dyed mulch that was ten bucks a yard.
Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t give you the ten-dollar mulch for free. You get the natural mulch.”
(AKA crappy stuff.)
She went nuts, screaming and yelling that she was going to talk to the manager, she was going to call the president of the authority, and so on. This went on for twenty minutes before the manager showed up and told her no!
Woman: “I won’t make two trips, so I want it all now!”
Manager: To me “Do it.”
I got in our big cat loader that had a nine-yard bucket, ran into the pile, and drove up to her dinky little pickup.
Me: “READY?”
Her eyes were bugging out, and she was speechless. The manager was already tired of dealing with people all day on a Saturday.
Manager: “Might wanna open the glove box.” Walked away
Woman: “…I will come back.”
So, I got the little bobcat loader and filled her up, and when she came back, she was as sweet as pie.
Time To Extract This Cancerous Mass From Behind The Desk
While I’m waiting for my wife to get done with work, I’m hanging out in the waiting room of the vet clinic. I overhear one of the front desk people complaining. The clinic has just closed, and I was allowed to come in to wait for my wife, so there are just two people behind the desk and me in the lobby.
I realize pretty quickly that the woman is complaining about my wife, who is having a major surgery soon.
Desk Person #1: “I just don’t see why she needs a full month.”
Desk Person #2: “Well, she is having surgery due to cancer, so…”
Desk Person #1: “That’s not an excuse. Short-term disability for a surgery? Pfft. I work through my pain just fine, and I have arthritis! People work through chemo all the time. She should suck it up.”
Me: “Wow. When did you change careers?”
Desk Person #1: Startled “Excuse me?”
Me: “I just think it’s amazing that you have a medical degree, but you work as a receptionist at a vet clinic. What made you switch career paths?”
Desk Person #1: “I don’t have a medical degree?”
Me: “Oh. Well, I just thought since you disagreed with the primary doctor, the surgeon, and the company — which approved the short-term disability — that you had some sort of medical degree and could offer an alternative to a full month off work, meaning less income but the same bills.”
Desk Person #1: “I—”
Me: “I mean, abdominal surgery is a bear to recover from, especially if you’re having an entire system removed — internal stitches holding your guts in place, the risk of internal bleeding, not to mention the physical recovery itself on top of the knowledge that it’s cancer.”
Me: “And, not to mention, you guys routinely have to physically restrain animals that are over 100 pounds. It would take one dog head to the gut to send someone recovering from major surgery back to the hospital. So, if it’s all right with you, Miss Not-A-Doctor, my wife and I are going to follow the timeline that actual doctors have recommended.”
Desk Person #1: “Who even are you? Why are you even here?”
Desk Person #2: “That’s [Wife]’s wife. You’ve been b****ing about [Wife]’s recovery time, loudly… in front of her wife.”
Me: “I’m interested to know if this is how you speak while customers are in the lobby. Do you often complain about your coworkers this loudly over matters that are none of your g**d*** business?”
[Desk Person #1] turned red and started swearing at me, and then she kicked me out of the waiting room, locking the door behind me — she physically pushed me out the door and slammed it in my face, swearing the entire time and using slurs.
My wife emerged ten minutes later with a big grin.
Me: “I don’t like your front desk person.”
Wife: “Yeah, she sucks. But she’s not our problem anymore.”
Me: “Oh?”
Wife: “Our supervisor heard her complaining about my leave and kicking you out. She threw a tantrum, threw a clipboard at our lead vet, and got fired on the spot when he tried to talk to her about it. Apparently, her issue wasn’t that I needed time off after surgery, it was that she knew I was married to a woman, so everything I did was wrong in her eyes.”
Me: “Well, at least now she’ll have plenty of time off to rest and treat her arthritis.”
The surgery went well, and my wife is currently at home recovering, minus one cancerous reproductive system.
At one point, I was working as a cashier at two retail jobs: A liquor store and a grocery store. Working back-to-back shifts, I would sometimes get confused as to which job I was currently at. This takes place during a shift at the grocery store.
Me: “Hi. Can I see your ID, please?”
Customer: Looks at me a moment, confused. “Boy, you guys sure take your milk seriously, don’t you?”
I look at the customer, then look at his groceries before face-palming apologizing. Luckily, the customer had a good sense of humor about the whole situation, and I had a nice story to tell later.
I’m an Irish Italian who’s spoken Irish at home since I was a kid. An old guy who lived up the road from our shop came in and started speaking Irish with me at the counter. He was from a Gaeltacht – a part of Ireland where Irish is the predominant language. We’re talking back and forth and this guy in an Irish rugby jersey pushes the old guy to one side:
Customer: “I’m sick of you f****** foreigners in my country speaking this s***.”
Upon hearing this, everyone else in the shop bursts out laughing and the guy behind him taps him on the shoulder:
Other Customer: “They’re speaking Irish. Not everyone can be fluent in f***wit like you.”
Not An Adult Actress, And Not An Adult Boss, Either
First off, I have never been in the adult entertainment industry. My father vetoed the name my mother wanted to give me, [Angelica], because he said with a name like [Angel Devine], I’d end up a stripper. (This is not my real maiden name, but it’s enough to give you an idea.)
Unfortunately, as I found out in my early twenties, there was an adult film actress with the stage name of Kelly Devine. I used to get emails with propositions and requests all the time from people thinking I was her.
I will say that most of the individuals who messaged me were very apologetic about their mix-up. But there were a few…
I had one guy who wouldn’t stop bothering me until I had to scare him. I started nice, telling him he had the wrong person, that I didn’t do that work, that I wouldn’t meet up with him, and the whole nine yards. Then, he threatened to come find me.
Me: “You can try to find me, but I live in Texas. I have weapons that I know how to use. We have castle doctrine and stand-your-ground laws. It will not end with you in a single piece.”
He finally went away.
The worst was when my then-fiancé’s (we’ve been married for fourteen years now) boss asked him to confirm my name. (We worked in the same place but in different departments.)
[Fiancé] did, and the boss showed him a picture of the adult actress.
Boss: “That’s who you’re marrying?!”
[Fiancé] was shocked that the boss had that level of audacity.
Fiancé: “You’ve met her. You know for a fact that this actress isn’t my fiancée. Do you seriously think she’d put up with the idiot running the warehouse if she was making money doing that?!”
The boss was actually disappointed.
In retrospect, I wish [Fiancé] had gone straight to Human Resources about that conversation. That kind of talk is something that HR would sweat bullets and poop solid gold bricks over.
Wait Until You Get A Ticket To Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch
It’s my first week working at a busy London train station. We’re popular with tourists, especially those wanting to buy tickets to picturesque destinations outside of London.
I’m sitting with my trainer as he sells tickets to customers wary of using the ticketing machines. The next customer is an American.
Customer: “Family ticket to… and I hope I’m saying this correctly as y’all names here are weird: Fowl Mouth?”
Trainer: “Family ticket to Falmouth, that’ll be [amount].”
After they’re gone.
Me: “How did you know it was Falmouth?”
Trainer: “You get used to learning the common mispronunciations. You’ll pick it up.”
Later, when I’m on my own:
Next Customer: “One way to A Berry Strife.”
I look at my trainer, my big eyes signalling “help!”
Trainer: “Aberystwyth. But that’s Welsh and most of those names look and sound like a cat started dancing on a keyboard so… fair.”
I’ve seen studies that the average man uses about 7,000 words a day and the average woman uses 20,000. It is a scientific fact that women have better verbal brain capacity and they seem to delight in using it.
My wife exceeds the 20K limit by a lot. In fact, I have a deal with my doctor that if she ever stops talking for 15 minutes, I can have her declared legally dead. She even talks in her sleep.
She sometimes declares, “You never listen to anything I say.”
I respond, “Dear, I listen to EVERYTHING you say, but my brain can only absorb so much of it.”
Her constant chatter is part of her personality. I do miss it when we are separated.
“What is capable of burying the truly critical information under 9 times its own volume of superfluous verbiage not worth the time required to listen?”
Yakety Sax 3 months ago
We Hope She’ll Behave Mulch Better Next Time
I once worked in a landfill. Among other things, we recycled wood into mulch. The locals all got nine yards free a year. It was not the best stuff, but hey, it’s free, right? Wrong.
This woman pulls in and gives me her order sheet: “Local free 9 yards”. Okay, I can do that.
She had a small Chevy S10 pickup that would hold maybe three or four yards at most, but she wanted it all NOW! And she wanted the red brick-dyed mulch that was ten bucks a yard.
Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t give you the ten-dollar mulch for free. You get the natural mulch.”
(AKA crappy stuff.)
She went nuts, screaming and yelling that she was going to talk to the manager, she was going to call the president of the authority, and so on. This went on for twenty minutes before the manager showed up and told her no!
Woman: “I won’t make two trips, so I want it all now!”
Manager: To me “Do it.”
I got in our big cat loader that had a nine-yard bucket, ran into the pile, and drove up to her dinky little pickup.
Me: “READY?”
Her eyes were bugging out, and she was speechless. The manager was already tired of dealing with people all day on a Saturday.
Manager: “Might wanna open the glove box.” Walked away
Woman: “…I will come back.”
So, I got the little bobcat loader and filled her up, and when she came back, she was as sweet as pie.
Yakety Sax 3 months ago
Time To Extract This Cancerous Mass From Behind The Desk
While I’m waiting for my wife to get done with work, I’m hanging out in the waiting room of the vet clinic. I overhear one of the front desk people complaining. The clinic has just closed, and I was allowed to come in to wait for my wife, so there are just two people behind the desk and me in the lobby.
I realize pretty quickly that the woman is complaining about my wife, who is having a major surgery soon.
Desk Person #1: “I just don’t see why she needs a full month.”
Desk Person #2: “Well, she is having surgery due to cancer, so…”
Desk Person #1: “That’s not an excuse. Short-term disability for a surgery? Pfft. I work through my pain just fine, and I have arthritis! People work through chemo all the time. She should suck it up.”
Me: “Wow. When did you change careers?”
Desk Person #1: Startled “Excuse me?”
Me: “I just think it’s amazing that you have a medical degree, but you work as a receptionist at a vet clinic. What made you switch career paths?”
Desk Person #1: “I don’t have a medical degree?”
Me: “Oh. Well, I just thought since you disagreed with the primary doctor, the surgeon, and the company — which approved the short-term disability — that you had some sort of medical degree and could offer an alternative to a full month off work, meaning less income but the same bills.”
Desk Person #1: “I—”
Me: “I mean, abdominal surgery is a bear to recover from, especially if you’re having an entire system removed — internal stitches holding your guts in place, the risk of internal bleeding, not to mention the physical recovery itself on top of the knowledge that it’s cancer.”
Desk Person #1: “I just—”
(Cont)
Yakety Sax 3 months ago
Me: “And, not to mention, you guys routinely have to physically restrain animals that are over 100 pounds. It would take one dog head to the gut to send someone recovering from major surgery back to the hospital. So, if it’s all right with you, Miss Not-A-Doctor, my wife and I are going to follow the timeline that actual doctors have recommended.”
Desk Person #1: “Who even are you? Why are you even here?”
Desk Person #2: “That’s [Wife]’s wife. You’ve been b****ing about [Wife]’s recovery time, loudly… in front of her wife.”
Me: “I’m interested to know if this is how you speak while customers are in the lobby. Do you often complain about your coworkers this loudly over matters that are none of your g**d*** business?”
[Desk Person #1] turned red and started swearing at me, and then she kicked me out of the waiting room, locking the door behind me — she physically pushed me out the door and slammed it in my face, swearing the entire time and using slurs.
My wife emerged ten minutes later with a big grin.
Me: “I don’t like your front desk person.”
Wife: “Yeah, she sucks. But she’s not our problem anymore.”
Me: “Oh?”
Wife: “Our supervisor heard her complaining about my leave and kicking you out. She threw a tantrum, threw a clipboard at our lead vet, and got fired on the spot when he tried to talk to her about it. Apparently, her issue wasn’t that I needed time off after surgery, it was that she knew I was married to a woman, so everything I did was wrong in her eyes.”
Me: “Well, at least now she’ll have plenty of time off to rest and treat her arthritis.”
The surgery went well, and my wife is currently at home recovering, minus one cancerous reproductive system.
Yakety Sax 3 months ago
40% Milk
At one point, I was working as a cashier at two retail jobs: A liquor store and a grocery store. Working back-to-back shifts, I would sometimes get confused as to which job I was currently at. This takes place during a shift at the grocery store.
Me: “Hi. Can I see your ID, please?”
Customer: Looks at me a moment, confused. “Boy, you guys sure take your milk seriously, don’t you?”
I look at the customer, then look at his groceries before face-palming apologizing. Luckily, the customer had a good sense of humor about the whole situation, and I had a nice story to tell later.
Yakety Sax 3 months ago
Having Ire With Ireland
I’m an Irish Italian who’s spoken Irish at home since I was a kid. An old guy who lived up the road from our shop came in and started speaking Irish with me at the counter. He was from a Gaeltacht – a part of Ireland where Irish is the predominant language. We’re talking back and forth and this guy in an Irish rugby jersey pushes the old guy to one side:
Customer: “I’m sick of you f****** foreigners in my country speaking this s***.”
Upon hearing this, everyone else in the shop bursts out laughing and the guy behind him taps him on the shoulder:
Other Customer: “They’re speaking Irish. Not everyone can be fluent in f***wit like you.”
Yakety Sax 3 months ago
Not An Adult Actress, And Not An Adult Boss, Either
First off, I have never been in the adult entertainment industry. My father vetoed the name my mother wanted to give me, [Angelica], because he said with a name like [Angel Devine], I’d end up a stripper. (This is not my real maiden name, but it’s enough to give you an idea.)
Unfortunately, as I found out in my early twenties, there was an adult film actress with the stage name of Kelly Devine. I used to get emails with propositions and requests all the time from people thinking I was her.
I will say that most of the individuals who messaged me were very apologetic about their mix-up. But there were a few…
I had one guy who wouldn’t stop bothering me until I had to scare him. I started nice, telling him he had the wrong person, that I didn’t do that work, that I wouldn’t meet up with him, and the whole nine yards. Then, he threatened to come find me.
Me: “You can try to find me, but I live in Texas. I have weapons that I know how to use. We have castle doctrine and stand-your-ground laws. It will not end with you in a single piece.”
He finally went away.
The worst was when my then-fiancé’s (we’ve been married for fourteen years now) boss asked him to confirm my name. (We worked in the same place but in different departments.)
[Fiancé] did, and the boss showed him a picture of the adult actress.
Boss: “That’s who you’re marrying?!”
[Fiancé] was shocked that the boss had that level of audacity.
Fiancé: “You’ve met her. You know for a fact that this actress isn’t my fiancée. Do you seriously think she’d put up with the idiot running the warehouse if she was making money doing that?!”
The boss was actually disappointed.
In retrospect, I wish [Fiancé] had gone straight to Human Resources about that conversation. That kind of talk is something that HR would sweat bullets and poop solid gold bricks over.
Yakety Sax 3 months ago
Wait Until You Get A Ticket To Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch
It’s my first week working at a busy London train station. We’re popular with tourists, especially those wanting to buy tickets to picturesque destinations outside of London.
I’m sitting with my trainer as he sells tickets to customers wary of using the ticketing machines. The next customer is an American.
Customer: “Family ticket to… and I hope I’m saying this correctly as y’all names here are weird: Fowl Mouth?”
Trainer: “Family ticket to Falmouth, that’ll be [amount].”
After they’re gone.
Me: “How did you know it was Falmouth?”
Trainer: “You get used to learning the common mispronunciations. You’ll pick it up.”
Later, when I’m on my own:
Next Customer: “One way to A Berry Strife.”
I look at my trainer, my big eyes signalling “help!”
Trainer: “Aberystwyth. But that’s Welsh and most of those names look and sound like a cat started dancing on a keyboard so… fair.”
FreyjaRN Premium Member 3 months ago
Mine listens. He may not remember, but he listens.
seanfear 3 months ago
not married myself but I think the whole family can answer this question
Doug K 3 months ago
What (or who) has a mouth but doesn’t say anything …
… worth hearing (listening to)?
donut reply 3 months ago
My wife never listens to what I say. She’s too busy thinking about what she is going to say. Are there comics about that? Nooooo.
ChessPirate 3 months ago
This one’s corny…
(ﾟ～ﾟ)
ThreeDogDad Premium Member 3 months ago
He’s heard it all, oh so many times before, he has stopped listening.
Hooligan918 3 months ago
Don’t EVEN get me started!
Daltongang Premium Member 3 months ago
What has ears but doesn’t use them? If you tagged Aunty you are right. She can’t use he ears as her mouth never stops talking.
dbrucepm 3 months ago
watch out her she comes, she’s the man basher
dflak 3 months ago
This leads to a philosophical question: if a man says something and a woman is not around to hear him, is he still wrong?
Kittenkarma 3 months ago
right!!! lol
dflak 3 months ago
I’ve seen studies that the average man uses about 7,000 words a day and the average woman uses 20,000. It is a scientific fact that women have better verbal brain capacity and they seem to delight in using it.
My wife exceeds the 20K limit by a lot. In fact, I have a deal with my doctor that if she ever stops talking for 15 minutes, I can have her declared legally dead. She even talks in her sleep.
She sometimes declares, “You never listen to anything I say.”
I respond, “Dear, I listen to EVERYTHING you say, but my brain can only absorb so much of it.”
Her constant chatter is part of her personality. I do miss it when we are separated.
assrdood 3 months ago
Don’t get me started…….I can’t get my wife’s attention at all if she’s watching her “Soaps”.
pheets 3 months ago
Mine always listens. : ) Grasping the point however…. ’nother story.
EMGULS79 3 months ago
“What is capable of burying the truly critical information under 9 times its own volume of superfluous verbiage not worth the time required to listen?”
kathleenhicks62 3 months ago
He thinks I don’t listen!
rockyridge1977 3 months ago
Tag used to be a child’s game!!!!
Drgnslr Premium Member 3 months ago
Maybe you’re not saying anything worth listening to
wildlandwaters 3 months ago
what?
donut reply 3 months ago
I don’t want to hear about your sister’s hemorrhoids when I am repairing something. In fact I don’t want to hear about your sister’s hemorrhoids.