New Adventures of Queen Victoria by Pab Sungenis for January 16, 2011

If my parents had that chart when I was born, it still wouldn’t have stopped them from picking my middle name.

My middle name is one letter, period. Like Homer J Simpson. They can pull out my fingernails as they roast me over hot coals and I will insist to my grave, “My middle name really is W.” That’s capital W with a period. I don’t know what kind of drugs they gave new mothers in the 50s, but I hope it’s banned now.

BillThompson, you have us intrigued. I hate all my names, they just don’t feel like mine.

The only step missing is “Does it sound like a porn name?” I had a coworker years ago whose daughters’ names immediately screamed “STRIPPER!!” I’ve often wondered how those girls fared in life…

This is what happens when you let 12 year olds have welfare kids and keep them.

Harry S for nothing Truman called and wants his gig back, Lew.

A friend told me her new baby’s name: Nicholas Michael. I immediately said, “Nicky-Mickey!”

Her husband, a school friend, had said the same thing. She thinks it was the water, growing up.

Nicky-Mickey is now in HS. Time flies like an arrow…

In a later MASH episode Hawk-eye tries to guess what B. J. Hunnicutt’s initials stood for. Evasive B. J. finally reveals the truth:

Bea (mom’s name) Jay (dad’s name)

BTW the asterisks I originally included in MASH did not show. Instead ASH was italicized.

In Vic’s family, the name “John” is out. The last one lost half of France.

Start.

Go to “Ask your spouse.”

I guess there’s lots of ways to spell my name: Peter, Pierre, Pyotr, Pedro, Petter, Pedar, Pietro… .

@junco49 See this page to understand why your text was italicized.

When I was a senior in high school there was a freshman with the name of Susie Slutte. No fooling. Poor thing.

I considered monagrams with our first 2 boy and girl - JTL and JML but the 2nd boy had to be named after his father and I had to pick a middle name tthat fit. Last boy was named after part of family names, again selecting a middle name that fit well.

Pab, you should actually send it to every prenatal care doc in the country. Every one!

Pab, you might fit the flow chart onto a maternity smock. But I’d add a few checkpoints: “Did you pick this name for its religious meaning?” “Does this name come from a movie you’ve seen far too many times?”

I just have to feel fortunate that Dad managed to convince Mom of “Roger” instead of “Arliss.” I’d probably be in prison by now otherwise.

@Pab: Absolutely! It’d be a real hit at baby showers for younger couples (by which I mean, “Under 30”)…

In high school, I had a female friend whose name was Nolanda Booty. She had been called “Nolie” up until high school, but there it was shortened to “No” Booty.

Having done this twice, I can honestly say that this is about accurate.

My wife came up with the name for our daughter. I initially resisted because of a pop culture reference to it but eventually relented because I genuinely liked the name. I just hope her cohorts in school think more of Audrey Hepburn than magical characters from Archie Comics.