As an on-air professional, I know many more “open mike” stories than I would like; especially the ones about me. Nonetheless…
After a long time waiting for other aircraft in front of them to take off, an overloaded jetliner finally gets the go-ahead and rumbles down the runway, barely getting off the tarmac and just clearing the end fence. Once in the air at cruising altitude, the captain says to his co-pilot (completely forgetting he has failed to turn off his in-cabin intercom microphone) “Finally! Well, after a takeoff like that, I’m ready for a hot cup of coffee and a good back rub.”
As a female flight attendant goes running up the aisle to tell the captain to turn off his mic, a male passenger calls out, “Don’t forget the coffee!”
In June 1947, two aliens landed in the desert near a gas station in Roswell, New Mexico that was closed for the night.They approached one of the gas pumps assuming it was an earthling and the younger alien addressed it saying, ‘Greetings, we come in peace. Take us to your leader.’
The pump, of course, didn’t respond.
The younger alien was stumped. The older alien said, ’I’d calm down if I were you.’ But the younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Shocked and insulted by what he perceived to be the pump’s haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, ‘Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!’ The older alien again warned his comrade saying, ‘You shouldn’t do that! I don’t think you should make him mad.’
‘Rubbish,’ replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.
‘What a ferocious creature!’ exclaimed the young, fried alien. ‘He darn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?’
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied,
‘If there’s one thing I’ve learned during my intergalactic travels, you don’t want to mess with a guy who can loop his p*nis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.’
This cyclist, much earlier, when things turned sour with the wife, had taken to riding 50 miles a day to clear his head. He ended up traversing Europe, and then circling the globe three times, and is now 700 miles from his home and feeling much happier. For those who wondered
“Why on earth did he do this”
This same cyclist lying on his deathbed called his riding partner and best friend to his side. The friend arrives and sits near him.
“Please do me this favor, after I pass…” groans the sickly cyclist.
“Anything, for a dear friend…name it”
“Don’t let my wife sell any of my bikes for anything close to what I told her I paid for them!”
The bridge thief actually hired a crane company to load the bridge on a flatbed. The crane owner was not charged. The thief was dismantling the bridge for scrap.
The captain opens his briefcase, pulls out a .38 and rests it on the glare panel. He asks the navigator, “Know what this is for?” “No, sir,” replies the newbie.
“I use it on navigators that get us lost,” explains the captain, winking at his first officer.
The navigator then opens his briefcase, pulls out a .45 and sets it on his chart table.“What’s THAT for?” queries the surprised captain.
“Well, sir,” replies the navigator, “I’ll know we’re lost before you will.”
eromlig almost 3 years ago
As an on-air professional, I know many more “open mike” stories than I would like; especially the ones about me. Nonetheless…
After a long time waiting for other aircraft in front of them to take off, an overloaded jetliner finally gets the go-ahead and rumbles down the runway, barely getting off the tarmac and just clearing the end fence. Once in the air at cruising altitude, the captain says to his co-pilot (completely forgetting he has failed to turn off his in-cabin intercom microphone) “Finally! Well, after a takeoff like that, I’m ready for a hot cup of coffee and a good back rub.”
As a female flight attendant goes running up the aisle to tell the captain to turn off his mic, a male passenger calls out, “Don’t forget the coffee!”
Templo S.U.D. almost 3 years ago
Lucky chap Roy is there.
Why would anyone steal a pedestrian bridge?
69,201(.79) kilometers is quite an accomplishment for a seven-year bicycle ride.
Charlie Fogwhistle almost 3 years ago
In June 1947, two aliens landed in the desert near a gas station in Roswell, New Mexico that was closed for the night.They approached one of the gas pumps assuming it was an earthling and the younger alien addressed it saying, ‘Greetings, we come in peace. Take us to your leader.’
The pump, of course, didn’t respond.
The younger alien was stumped. The older alien said, ’I’d calm down if I were you.’ But the younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Shocked and insulted by what he perceived to be the pump’s haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, ‘Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!’ The older alien again warned his comrade saying, ‘You shouldn’t do that! I don’t think you should make him mad.’
‘Rubbish,’ replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.
‘What a ferocious creature!’ exclaimed the young, fried alien. ‘He darn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?’
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied,
‘If there’s one thing I’ve learned during my intergalactic travels, you don’t want to mess with a guy who can loop his p*nis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.’
Until next time.
charliefarmrhere almost 3 years ago
He spent seven years on the road? I always wonder where people come up with enough money to go that long without having to work for an income.
derdave969 almost 3 years ago
All I can say about the bridge thief: why, why, why?
Huckleberry Hiroshima almost 3 years ago
Irony of the crane being longer than the bridge was lost on him.
Take care, may underwater air tank filler Charles “They Seem To Need To Go Places Where They Cannot Breathe” Beltrord be with you, and gesundheit.
JDP_Huntington Beach almost 3 years ago
This cyclist, much earlier, when things turned sour with the wife, had taken to riding 50 miles a day to clear his head. He ended up traversing Europe, and then circling the globe three times, and is now 700 miles from his home and feeling much happier. For those who wondered
“Why on earth did he do this”
This same cyclist lying on his deathbed called his riding partner and best friend to his side. The friend arrives and sits near him.
“Please do me this favor, after I pass…” groans the sickly cyclist.
“Anything, for a dear friend…name it”
“Don’t let my wife sell any of my bikes for anything close to what I told her I paid for them!”
mindjob almost 3 years ago
With a world record for heart attacks, I’d consider getting a replacement
dv1093 almost 3 years ago
The bridge thief actually hired a crane company to load the bridge on a flatbed. The crane owner was not charged. The thief was dismantling the bridge for scrap.
paranormal almost 3 years ago
Sounds like old Ray’s heart was just having fibrillations…
BiathlonNut almost 3 years ago
“I use it on navigators that get us lost,” explains the captain, winking at his first officer.
The navigator then opens his briefcase, pulls out a .45 and sets it on his chart table.“What’s THAT for?” queries the surprised captain.
“Well, sir,” replies the navigator, “I’ll know we’re lost before you will.”
JoshHere almost 3 years ago
If I were Mr. Woodhall I’d feel rejected. Nobody wanted him upstairs and downstairs
spaced man spliff almost 3 years ago
My old boss of 50 years ago had a friend who survived cancer, other fatal diseases as well as a Nazi death camp.
The tragedy: a drunk driver got him.
Caeruleancentaur almost 3 years ago
How does one cycle around the world? I should think that the oceans get in the way.
Blockerman_101 almost 3 years ago
Feels bad, Ray.