I started on a theme, and on a theme I shall continue. Even if you’ve heard it before, you can’t stop me, so here goes…
Two men are out hiking when one of them encounters a rattlesnake, which bites him on the foot. (Told you there was a theme…) His buddy makes sure he’s comfortable; then high-tails it to the doctor’s office to ask what he should do.
“You have to suck the poison out,” says the physician. So the guy goes back to his friend on the trail.
Father Thomas, having just graduated from seminary school in Kansas, was assigned to St. Patrick’s Cathedral in NYC. When he arrived, he was greeted by the Mother Superior, who told him that Reverend O’Donnell was out, and suggested that Thomas take a walk around NYC to see the sights.
As he’s walking down the street, a scantily-clad young woman walks up to him and says, “$25 for a quickie, Father”. Being rather naive, and not wanting to offend her, he nods and says, “Bless you my child” as he walks away.
A short while later, another young woman approaches and says, “$25 for a quickie, Father." Again he nods and says, “Bless you my child” as he continues down the street, perplexed as to what a “quickie” is.
When he arrives back at St. Patrick’s, he sees the Mother Superior, and asks how long she has been living in NYC. “All my life,” she replies. “May I ask you a question then? What’s a ‘quickie’?"
Mother Superior gives him a good look up and down, and replies: “$25 – same as downtown.”
Until next time, which will be sooner rather than later.
There is a street corner where hookers wait around to be picked up. On a light post nearby a parrot is hanging around. As he watches he says, “Same old hookers, same old clients."
This is bad for business so one of the hookers gets mad at the parrot and throws a rock at him, striking him and knocking him out. He falls down onto the ground. The next morning a nun is walking and sees the parrot. She picks him up and takes him back to the cathedral to fix him up.
A couple of days later the parrot has fully healed. He flys out of a window and up onto the top of the church. He looks out at all of the nuns gathered in the yard and he excitedly says, “New hookers!”He looks at the priest and bishops and says, “Same old clients.”
Photography buffs that know about ‘f-stops’ etc. are aware that a constricted or smaller round aperture will result in a greater “Depth-of-focus”. My question is: if the pupil is a slit like cats have in bright light then is there some distortion to the image on their retinas? Do they see things in panavision with the left-right edges sharper than the up-down?
Tuco, now that is a very useful strategy that should be forwarded immediately. Volodymyr Zelenskyy should contact Vladimir Putin and inform him that Ukraine women cannot make enough borscht to feed 190,000 prisoners.
With the arctic becoming devoid of ice, polar bears have had to move south and have begun to mate with the black and brown forest bears. Their offspring will be interesting in the traits that are passed on.
One function of eyelids is to (blink blink) periodically re~moisten the eyeball. Those species without eyelids have evolved tongues long enough to lick their own eyes when refreshment is needed.
Normally with two jokes on the table I’d just wait until tomorrow, but this one is so timely today, I feel I must go ahead.
VLADIMIR Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids. He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.
At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions, so Little Sasha puts her hand up and asks, “I have two questions. Why did the Russians take Crimea? And why are we invading Ukraine?”
Putin says, “Good questions,” but just as he is about to answer, the bell sounds and the kids go to lunch.
When they come back, they sit back down and there is time for some more questions.
Another girl, Misha, puts her hand up and says, “I have four questions. Why did Russia invade Crimea? Why are we invading Ukraine? Why did the bell sound 20 minutes early? And where is Sasha?”
Article with images and video of “Australian Mascara Woman” (Warning: Graphic Content) – https://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/beauty/face-body/mascara-embedded-in-womans-eyelid/news-story/51c8a3c8baf00e4422b5440564cbccd1
eromlig almost 3 years ago
I started on a theme, and on a theme I shall continue. Even if you’ve heard it before, you can’t stop me, so here goes…
Two men are out hiking when one of them encounters a rattlesnake, which bites him on the foot. (Told you there was a theme…) His buddy makes sure he’s comfortable; then high-tails it to the doctor’s office to ask what he should do.
“You have to suck the poison out,” says the physician. So the guy goes back to his friend on the trail.
“What did the doctor say?” the friend asks.
“The doctor said you’re gonna die.”
Templo S.U.D. almost 3 years ago
Forgetting to take off your mascara does sound pretty scary.
Bilan almost 3 years ago
I would never get close enough to a polar bear to measure it’s paws.
Charlie Fogwhistle almost 3 years ago
Ah, religion. A fertile field to plow.
Father Thomas, having just graduated from seminary school in Kansas, was assigned to St. Patrick’s Cathedral in NYC. When he arrived, he was greeted by the Mother Superior, who told him that Reverend O’Donnell was out, and suggested that Thomas take a walk around NYC to see the sights.
As he’s walking down the street, a scantily-clad young woman walks up to him and says, “$25 for a quickie, Father”. Being rather naive, and not wanting to offend her, he nods and says, “Bless you my child” as he walks away.
A short while later, another young woman approaches and says, “$25 for a quickie, Father." Again he nods and says, “Bless you my child” as he continues down the street, perplexed as to what a “quickie” is.
When he arrives back at St. Patrick’s, he sees the Mother Superior, and asks how long she has been living in NYC. “All my life,” she replies. “May I ask you a question then? What’s a ‘quickie’?"
Mother Superior gives him a good look up and down, and replies: “$25 – same as downtown.”
Until next time, which will be sooner rather than later.
Charlie Fogwhistle almost 3 years ago
Well. It’s next time already.
There is a street corner where hookers wait around to be picked up. On a light post nearby a parrot is hanging around. As he watches he says, “Same old hookers, same old clients."
This is bad for business so one of the hookers gets mad at the parrot and throws a rock at him, striking him and knocking him out. He falls down onto the ground. The next morning a nun is walking and sees the parrot. She picks him up and takes him back to the cathedral to fix him up.
A couple of days later the parrot has fully healed. He flys out of a window and up onto the top of the church. He looks out at all of the nuns gathered in the yard and he excitedly says, “New hookers!”He looks at the priest and bishops and says, “Same old clients.”
Until next time.
ekke almost 3 years ago
Maybe if the unnamed woman in Sydney took a cue from the geckos a few islands North …
therese_callahan2002 almost 3 years ago
Fifteen minutes will save you on pupil insurance.
Dean almost 3 years ago
Photography buffs that know about ‘f-stops’ etc. are aware that a constricted or smaller round aperture will result in a greater “Depth-of-focus”. My question is: if the pupil is a slit like cats have in bright light then is there some distortion to the image on their retinas? Do they see things in panavision with the left-right edges sharper than the up-down?
SpaceBuckaroo almost 3 years ago
Snow tread paws.
Huckleberry Hiroshima almost 3 years ago
And 15 minutes saves them 15 dollars.
Take care, may Super Bowl commercial enthusiast Francis “When’s It On? Was That It?” Rinaldord be with you, and gesundheit.
fujiman almost 3 years ago
Studded winter tires VS. Polar bear paws; another case of man imitating natural design.
JDP_Huntington Beach almost 3 years ago
POLAR BEARS
Of course, their paws are 11 inches across… one more, and they would be feet!
(⊙_⊙)？
ncorgbl almost 3 years ago
Tuco, now that is a very useful strategy that should be forwarded immediately. Volodymyr Zelenskyy should contact Vladimir Putin and inform him that Ukraine women cannot make enough borscht to feed 190,000 prisoners.
preacherman Premium Member almost 3 years ago
With the arctic becoming devoid of ice, polar bears have had to move south and have begun to mate with the black and brown forest bears. Their offspring will be interesting in the traits that are passed on.
mindjob almost 3 years ago
Since geckos have no eyelids, they lick their eyes. It would be interesting if people could do that
jimmjonzz Premium Member almost 3 years ago
One function of eyelids is to (blink blink) periodically re~moisten the eyeball. Those species without eyelids have evolved tongues long enough to lick their own eyes when refreshment is needed.
Jogger2 almost 3 years ago
When I saw the drawing about the mascara, before reading it, I thought it was going to be something about an insect or something attacking an eye.
moeric9 almost 3 years ago
The Geico gecko blinks his eyes in those t.v. commercials, I’m starting to think he isn’t real!
dv1093 almost 3 years ago
I believe the story from Australia should be written “contact lenses” instead of mascara. Besides that I know the story – it just makes more sense.
Charlie Fogwhistle almost 3 years ago
Normally with two jokes on the table I’d just wait until tomorrow, but this one is so timely today, I feel I must go ahead.
VLADIMIR Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids. He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.
At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions, so Little Sasha puts her hand up and asks, “I have two questions. Why did the Russians take Crimea? And why are we invading Ukraine?”
Putin says, “Good questions,” but just as he is about to answer, the bell sounds and the kids go to lunch.
When they come back, they sit back down and there is time for some more questions.
Another girl, Misha, puts her hand up and says, “I have four questions. Why did Russia invade Crimea? Why are we invading Ukraine? Why did the bell sound 20 minutes early? And where is Sasha?”
Until next time.
Nicole ♫ ⊱✿ ◕‿◕✿⊰♫ Premium Member almost 3 years ago
Article with images and video of “Australian Mascara Woman” (Warning: Graphic Content) – https://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/beauty/face-body/mascara-embedded-in-womans-eyelid/news-story/51c8a3c8baf00e4422b5440564cbccd1
dwdl21 almost 3 years ago
Stoopid is as stoopid does Lt. Dan.
Petemejia77 almost 3 years ago
…and those paws can hold lots of bottles of Coca-Cola!
tee929 almost 3 years ago
Alice Cooper?
198.23.5.11 almost 3 years ago
It was probably Lizz from DICK TRACY.
pbr50138 almost 3 years ago
I guess mascara companies will now have to put a removal noice on the packages. SMH.