Not that I’m out of Irish jokes, but I thought I’d go back to something more self-effacing, as my wife thinks…well, never minbd what she thinks. Instead, see what you think about the following:
Occasionally, we discover clever solutions to our problems…well, clever until they come back to bite us. Example: I once bought a padlock – keyed, not combination – and, fearing I might lose the key, I decided to thread the padlock hasp through the hole in the key.
Two cannibals were dining on an amputee. “Pass me a drumstick?” the man asked. “Better luck next time,” said the woman. (I really respect amputees, and hope I didn’t offend.)
It’s late, but I did find a quick joke about Kangaroos.
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says: “Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large.”
Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says: “We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.”
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks: “And what are those?”
The Aussie, fed up with the bragging, asks with an incredulous look: “Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas?”
I’ll never understand how religious people can wish their Lord to be with us and at the same time be rude and insulting to someone else. I guess if you’ve drunk the orange Kool-Aid that it’s OK to bully others.
A kangaroo walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “gimme a beer.” The bartender is stunned at the sight of a talking kangaroo and doesn’t move. The kangaroo misinterprets his silence and says, “I have money” while putting a $20 on the bar.
The bartender snaps to his senses and serves a beer. He takes the $20, then goes in the back room to tell the manager what’s going on. “There’s a talking kangaroo at the bar! He ordered a beer and even paid!” he said, holding up the $20. “What should I do?”
The manager, figuring this was a joke, says, “keep the change.” The bartender thought about it for a moment and realized he might as well keep the $20; what’re the chances this kangaroo would know the price of a beer?
When he returned to the bar, the kangaroo was done and said “gimme another beer” and put another $20 bill on the bar. The bartender gives him another beer and takes the money, revelling at this lucky break. He decides to chat up the kangaroo. “So, here on business or pleasure?” The kangaroo glares back at him and says “just trying to unwind.” Unfazed, the bartender jokingly continues, “Don’t see many talking kangaroos in here!”
Three men arrive in New York from Europe, and decide to meet again in 20 years to see how they all made out in America. 20 years have passed…
The first man asks the second, “How did you do?” He replies: Well, you know…when I came to this country, I had no idea what to do with myself to make a living. So I looked at my last name. Goldstein. So I went into the gold business. And, I made a FORTUNE!" The next man, said his name was Silverberg and went into silver to make a fortune
So they both turn to the last man who said his name was Taylor and he said "I will never make money as a tailor. So I prayed. I said “God, if you make me a wealthy man, I promise to make You, my partner.”
So the first man said, “So, what happened?” The man replied, "What’s the matter?
eromlig over 2 years ago
Not that I’m out of Irish jokes, but I thought I’d go back to something more self-effacing, as my wife thinks…well, never minbd what she thinks. Instead, see what you think about the following:
Occasionally, we discover clever solutions to our problems…well, clever until they come back to bite us. Example: I once bought a padlock – keyed, not combination – and, fearing I might lose the key, I decided to thread the padlock hasp through the hole in the key.
I was right. I never lost the key.
Templo S.U.D. over 2 years ago
okay, roos, I’ll forget about it
wmwiii Premium Member over 2 years ago
Too bad Lassie wasn’t around to rescue Altamura Man.
charliefarmrhere over 2 years ago
Hey! Humans can jump over 30 feet, but is usually straight down, & they don’t survive.
Caldonia over 2 years ago
Two cannibals were dining on an amputee. “Pass me a drumstick?” the man asked. “Better luck next time,” said the woman. (I really respect amputees, and hope I didn’t offend.)
Charlie Fogwhistle over 2 years ago
It’s late, but I did find a quick joke about Kangaroos.
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says: “Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large.”
Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says: “We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.”
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks: “And what are those?”
The Aussie, fed up with the bragging, asks with an incredulous look: “Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas?”
Until next time.
RavennaAl over 2 years ago
Yes, he ‘fell’ into that well. At least, according to the only witnesses, Vito and Frankie.
Huckleberry Hiroshima over 2 years ago
And that’s what a mop is called if you have a cold.
Take care, may relentless Kleenex tissue counter Nancy “Just Don’t Light A Match In Here” Boogord be with you, and gesundheit.
e.groves over 2 years ago
Last night my wife noticed some dandruff flakes on my shirt and told me I needed some Head and Shoulders. I told her she was half right.
WestofthePecan Premium Member over 2 years ago
I’ll never understand how religious people can wish their Lord to be with us and at the same time be rude and insulting to someone else. I guess if you’ve drunk the orange Kool-Aid that it’s OK to bully others.
FassEddie over 2 years ago
A kangaroo walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “gimme a beer.” The bartender is stunned at the sight of a talking kangaroo and doesn’t move. The kangaroo misinterprets his silence and says, “I have money” while putting a $20 on the bar.
The bartender snaps to his senses and serves a beer. He takes the $20, then goes in the back room to tell the manager what’s going on. “There’s a talking kangaroo at the bar! He ordered a beer and even paid!” he said, holding up the $20. “What should I do?”
The manager, figuring this was a joke, says, “keep the change.” The bartender thought about it for a moment and realized he might as well keep the $20; what’re the chances this kangaroo would know the price of a beer?
When he returned to the bar, the kangaroo was done and said “gimme another beer” and put another $20 bill on the bar. The bartender gives him another beer and takes the money, revelling at this lucky break. He decides to chat up the kangaroo. “So, here on business or pleasure?” The kangaroo glares back at him and says “just trying to unwind.” Unfazed, the bartender jokingly continues, “Don’t see many talking kangaroos in here!”
“I’m not surprised, $20 a beer is a rip-off!
BiathlonNut over 2 years ago
The first man asks the second, “How did you do?” He replies: Well, you know…when I came to this country, I had no idea what to do with myself to make a living. So I looked at my last name. Goldstein. So I went into the gold business. And, I made a FORTUNE!" The next man, said his name was Silverberg and went into silver to make a fortune
So they both turn to the last man who said his name was Taylor and he said "I will never make money as a tailor. So I prayed. I said “God, if you make me a wealthy man, I promise to make You, my partner.”
So the first man said, “So, what happened?” The man replied, "What’s the matter?
You never heard of Lord and Taylor?"
Billavi Premium Member over 2 years ago
You’re associating Italian-Americans to intimidation tactics? You’d better watch your micro-aggressions, bro
198.23.5.11 over 2 years ago
Explain why a group of lions is called “pride”.