Pearls Before Swine by Stephan Pastis for August 03, 2003

Transcript:

"The Adventures of Angry Bob: 'An Epic Tragic Poem Thingie.' by Rat." "Angry Bob went to a bar. He met a girl. 'Hello,' he said." "'This place is a pretty good bar,' he said." "...'Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?' he said." "'He was dead,' he said." "'That was my best joke,' he said." "Desperate and lonely, Bob set fire to his hair. The girl looked at Bob." "'That is a nice trick,' she said." "'That's no trick,' Bob said." "'I'm really burning.'" "'Fine,' she said. 'What you lack in charm and good looks you make up for in effort. I will date you next Tuesday." "'I can't wait that long,' Bob said. 'Why not?' she said. 'Because I'm on fire,' he said, referencing the growing conflagration upon his bean." "'Fine,' she said, 'But you can at least wait until I finish my beer. It is a good cold beer.'" "'Of course,' Bob said." "So the girl took a sip of her beer and listened o the juke box music and hummed along." "...and took a cell phone call and put on some lipstick." "...and had a sip of her beer and told the bartender that her cousin was in a band." "...and crossed her legs and uncrossed her legs and took a cigarette from her purse.." "'I don't suppose you have a light.' she said, turning to Bob." "Now fully ablaze, Bob sat quietly, thinking of Little League baseball and summers by the lake." "The girl looked down at her beer and looked over at Bob and looked down at her beer. And lit a cigarette." "On Bob's nose." "Vaguely aware that his unlimited patience with women had cost him dear, Bob died and was brushed from his seat by the back of a hand of a man who was big and dumb and trite and handsome." "'Come here often?' asked the woman."