Frazz by Jef Mallett for December 09, 2018

Ever notice that nobody ever asks what you’re up to if you walk around holding a clipboard and pen? They’re always afraid you’re going to ask what they’re up to.

Doesn’t a clipboard make it difficult to pick up and carry your groceries?

Nice generic reference to Trader Joe’s… Time to get out the candy-cane Jo-Jo’s!

I get this a lot. Whether I’m carrying a clipboard or not (though I often do – my shopping list is on it).

I recall a whole bunch of practical jokers going into a Best Buy dressed in brown slacks and blue shirts. They caused quite a bit of confusion, and management was not amused.

If you wear the uniform …

Get the same reaction while waiting for the wife. Standing quietly off the side with my hands behind me and enjoying watching the crowd. Someone inevitably asks for directions or if I work there. Obviously, if one is not moving or shuffling merchandise or holding bags, one must be an employee.

Although nowadays, that’s not really a smart way to wait, because it’s just as likely some fruitcake will call a cop. Thank you, Buttercup

Never wear a red shirt and slacks at Target.

No more than walking around with a cell phone up to you ear.

Frazz is like my dad. He can strike up a conversation with a telephone pole and it will talk to him.

I’ve been mistaken for an employee at Canadian Tire just for wearing a red golf shirt. Always happy to help the polite and misdirect the rude. It makes your day.

What the heck is a Merchant Moe’s? Is it a fictions made-up store?

My work shirt used to be black with red sides and sleeves. Just about every time I went into Ace Hardware, I got asked where something is. Fine. I get it. But wearing the same red and black shirt, I would get asked the same question at Wal-Mart.

not with a buggy.

Pfft, just start talking to people, you don’t need props.

I have two (2) Trader Joe’s Aloha shirts (made by Reyn Spooner) and only wear those when I shop there just to mess with the other shoppers and clerks. Especially this time of the year.

I’ve found that it’s a downside to knowing what you are doing. Somehow it attracts the curious, even if you’re wearing an orange shirt (Home Depot) in Lowe’s (blue shirt uniform).

It even goes that way at work – if you carry a clipboard, look at it occasionally, look around you and appear like you belong there, you disappear. I call it my protective coloration clipboard…… 8^)

Talking about mistaken identities and what you can do about them, the late columnist Mike Royko once had a problem with AT&T setting up a consumer-complaint phone number that was only 1 digit removed from the one he himself had been using for years. He complained to AT&T about all the wrong-number calls he was getting, but they said they had already invested too much in publicizing their own number and weren’t going to change it just for him. But, of course, he had a million readers in the Chicago area, and they were all wildly entertained for the next couple of months by the stories he’d print about the crazy advice he’d give to people who called him asking for help with their phones. AT&T eventually caved.

Frazz14 hrs ·

Today’s Frazz, you’ll be not at all surprised to learn, was not merely stolen from real life, but very nearly verbatim stolen from my life.

When people ask me about writing, how I come up with 365 new short stories a year (plus 52 if you count the Sunday lagniappe panels, minus however many times a year my memory fails me and I inadvertently plagiarize myself), I say the secret to writing is to actually write a lot less than you think writers write. And spend as much time as possible getting out and doing stuff. You can only make stuff up so many times, and even those times, it’s not as good as stealing from real life. So as a writer you’re obligated to get out of the studio and take some risks, sweat some sweat, take some knocks and stare at a few things in absolute freaking awe.

Or just go grocery shopping with your eyes open.

The only time I got mistaken for a supermarket employee was when I felt like moving some carts for convenience. I realized that the asker was blind, so I helped her find what she needed, saying nothing to indicate that I didn’t work there.

First panel… I don’t care if I work somewhere or not, if somebody needs help getting something off a top shelf, I’m gonna do it.

No, I’m just employed here. If they want me to work, they are going to have to pay me more money.

Don’t eat too many Moe-Moes or you’ll have to start wearing Muumuus!

“Nice pair of melons, the honeydew especially looks good.”

I use to work at a local department store, one day I was rushing to catch the last bus of the night and didn’t have time to remove my work smock, when a customer stopped me to ask about something in a department I didn’t cover I offered to call another employee for her but she demanded that I help her, I explained that it wasn’t my department and that I was off the clock and rushing to catch the last bus but she still demanded that I help her since I was still wearing my work smock. Fortunately I was able to find what she was looking for right away and just managed to catch the bus before it pulled out. After that I made sure that I always left my smock off until I punched in for work and took it off as soon as I punched out.

I assumed Frazz was in Target…

I go to amusement parks a lot and wear polo shirts, not a T. I’m often asked where a restroom is or directions to a ride. If I’m familiar with the park it’s often easiest to just give the answer. I was once given the employee discount in an amusement park restaurant.

This is why I never wear a red shirt when shopping at Target. And I don’t need a clipboard.