Pearls Before Swine by Stephan Pastis for June 07, 2019

Town should pass a law requiring cyclists to wear baggy sweatpants.

I agree with no one likes cyclists. At least no one who counts.

Jef, you forgot to kiss the babies and schmooze with the Chamber of Commerce.

Doubtful Jef has a “package” – between the spandex compression suit and bicycle seat, anything Jef could have had is pushed into the nether regions.

True story: Years ago in Monrovia CA, a militant cyclist did indeed run for mayor. Turns out, neighboring Pasadena was looking for him because he had been ignoring a traffic citation for riding his vehicle thru a stop sign w/o even trying to stop. His elitist narrow-minded public rant maintained that cyclists were saviors of civilization and that everyone should have to ride bikes to work, so therefore he was refusing to pay the ticket. I never read if a bench warrant was issued for his arrest, but his mayoral ambitions crashed and burned.

Go away, Jef. Nobody likes you.

Well, I for one, didn’t vote for him because he wears a purple football on his head.

No one likes a saddle sore loser. ( But it sure beats a winner.)

Stay strong Jef. A day we will take over the world!

Suburban white women?! Isn’t Jef just their type?

Where I live bicycles are a normal means of transportation and new roads are built to accommodate them as well as cars and pedestrians. Spandex pants are not common though. I wear baggy shorts (sometimes with padded underpants when it’s going to be a long ride). Wearing a helmet just makes sense. When I lived in Arizona, I found people who drove big pickup trucks far more arrogant than “cyclists”, even those wearing spandex.

Darn, race over already? I was hoping Victor the Vegan would throw his hat in the ring. That candidate debate would have been fun to watch.

Was the Croc voting block ! …….. Croc Power !

I’d say “No one likes that cyclist”!

Like Epictetus once said: "When you have brought yourself to supply the necessities of your body at a small price, don’t pique yourself upon it! Nor, if you drink water, be saying upon every occasion, “I drink water.”

Actually, Jef’s a self-righteous jerk! And as an ex-cyclist, yes, I HAVE met morons just like him, and THEY were self-righteous jerks as well!

Hope this makes Jef mad enough to ride away into the sunset – never to be seen again!

The gocomics censor should arrive shortly.

Maybe now Jef can trade in his racing wheels for a mountain bike and get a courier gig delivering packages downtown.

Ewwwwww! To cyclist and plumbers…just EWWWW!

Dig deeper into those exit polls, Rat. Not only does nobody like cyclists, you’ll also discover that cyclists are unable to grasp that fact.

Myself, I used to ride, many years ago, a bicycle in one of the biggest cities in the world. For me it was a cheap and very reliable from of transportation and cargo hauler – not a politicized statement of some kind.

I gotta admit, today’s riders in helmet and Spandex look like novelty condoms to me.

I hate those package deals.

Middle Aged men riding $1000 bicycles wearing $500 “racing gear” as they huff and puff their way through life trying to convince themselves that they aren’t getting old by running a virtual “Tour de Fading Ego” all the while pretending they don’t really NEED all that Viagra.

Guess what, pseudo-cyclers? You’re just getting old…and ridiculous.

My road is a long, winding rural one. Cyclists like to pretend “Grand Prix” on it… with all the blind curves and steep places, someone is going to die, it’s only a matter of time. But the other day the most amazing cycling phenomena I have ever witnessed occurred: I was driving behind this guy, knowing full well that it would me miles and miles before I could even hope to pass him, and get this… the guy comes up to a driveway, and SLIDES OVER INTO IT SO I CAN PASS!! I was completely shocked. I’ve never seen another cyclist so much as THINK about getting off the road for one second for a car. I felt like I was witnessing a paranormal event.

Balls.

When I was 17 I worked at Arby’s. One of the soldiers from Carson came in wearing bicycle shorts. Everything was so far on display that the lady who was supposed to be running the slicer decided she needed to come up to me at the counter for a closer look! 30+ years later and I couldn’t tell you what color his hair was…but the shorts were black.

Jeff’s a UPS biker???

I’m sure the non-humorous cyclists are in outrage everywhere. This is payback for arrogantly hogging the road and slowing down traffic, as if other motorists don’t have the same right you do. No one ever gained sympathy from hateful attitude. “Share the road” doesn’t mean ride across the entire lane at 15 mph and flip off approaching drivers. And those outfits. Seriously, style faux paux of the century. “Oh, look at my $1,500 bycycle, my Gucci skin-tight leos and oddly-shaped hat! Man wears a hat like this, folks know he’s not afraid o nuthin’!” Clue: Be afraid of a 3,000-lb vehicle traveling at 45mph. Very very afraid. It’s just common sense, isn’t it? Some may take umbrage at this line of comics. I say it’s a social lesson to learn from. If a road-rage motorist decides to take out a lone cyclist… all the attitude in the world isn’t going to remove the road smear. Bike sensibly, people. That’s all anyone asks. (I apologize for the frank, non-humorous post, but obviously this is a wide-spread enough problem to warrant being the focus of this comic for several panels. Perhaps cyclists should take a hint that bike clubs could focus less on equipment and more on responsible, mature behavior.)

Yeah, Jeff! Who do you think you are, David Bowie in Labyrinth?

A perfect reason!

To quote Stone Cold Steve AustinOH HELL YEAH!

Jeff delivers packages?

It’s slightly more nuanced than that.

No one likes the combination of arrogant assumption of moral superiority combined with frequent and flagrant disregard of traffic laws.

A cyclist’s concern for personal safety is completely valid, but when he runs stop lights and stop signs, or when groups break the law by not riding single file, and so block entire lanes, my sympathy goes way down.

Must have a small package, he did not get enough of the female vote.

I’m sure Pastis realizes that bulge ain’t our package, it’s basically a Shamwow pillow sewn into our shorts.

Those bicycle pants are soooo gross!

I do believe “Pearls Before Swine” is written exclusively for white men (over 45) and their multiplicity of grievances.

The 4th frame shows he’s eating too much soy (man-boobs).

I usually have little confidence in polls, but in this particular case I am willing to say: Polls don’t lie, Jef the Cyclist! Spandex-wearing LOSER!

@satchel,Koko,LDL,Kenny they do in California (or any surf culture.)

Isn’t it supposed to be “Those racist and sexist fatties?”

Let’s hope the new mayor is anti-cyclist

Just had BRAG come to town. LOTS of cyclists! Interesting to say the least!

Not long ago a local cyclist came in the bar I owned, was trying to get a petition signed to have bicycle post in front of every business in town, especially bars. I didn’t hear anything about it since then.

There is worse. In Old Orchard Maine, a morbidly obese Québécois, wearing flip flops and a 4 sizes too small electric blue Speedo, wrap around sun glasses, burnt to a dark, peeling red, with a furry back, and then you realize it’s a woman….

For once I am with Rat.