The Argyle Sweater by Scott Hilburn for November 18, 2016

He’s pushing the envelope.

Send this gag to the dead letter office…

He told those direct mail junkies where to go.

They all want to see his junk mail.

Bill can lick any envelope in the box.

Hey people. Calm down. Just letter be!

One time a guy pi$$ed him off; he went postal.

B.M.O.C. with a zip+4…

I know this guy. He may appear hand-addressed and personal, but inside, he’s just junk mail.

From the size of him, he’s probably my mortgage Bill.

He hates to be so forward but his postage is due.

Will you still respect me in the morning?“Return to Sender”

No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationary. (credit LA Times crossword puzzle).

TheWildSow

The envelope copy was written going to Gettysburg, not going to Washington. He also wrote three other copies on regular paper, one of which is preserved in the Lincoln Bedroom in the White House.

… and all the other mails were just third-class citizens.

And like most alpha mails, Bill could only throw around his bulk when he wasn’t properly addressed. Because as any intelligent, thrifty mail knows, email is far superior.

But as an adult he would find out just how much everyone hates Bills in the mail…