The Buckets by Greg Cravens for March 24, 2022

No matter what symptoms you punch into Webmd your going to end up with possible cancer as their diagnosis.

Why not?

I wanna play too!

That is because you do not know how to play it.

Isn’t it though?

Every time I enter my symptoms I wind up with an incurable disease that will end my life in six months or less.

Don’t laugh at amoebic dysentery. That’s why Texas isn’t part of Mexico. Santa Anna’s troops weren’t beaten by Texans, they couldn’t actually get out of bed.

They are role-playing the game my aunts played with their doctors. I remember 3 glass shelves full of pill bottles in her kitchen window that she would go shopping through to best match her current symptoms.

I remember a news story where the reporter used his car as a patient and answered all the questions WedMD asked regarding health and symptoms. Turned out his car had measles.

I’m like Montgomery Burns. I have every disease. They are all in perfect balance, which is what keeps me alive. Cure one, and I’m DOA.

Naw, you don’t have any of those conditions. But keep it up and you’ll be putting yourselves at risk for Munchausen syndrome.

You all have stage 4 brain cancer. Say goodbye to all of your friends.