Tom the Dancing Bug by Ruben Bolling for November 20, 1999

Transcript:

News of the times gore fires australopithecine campaign consultant eyebrows were raised when it was revealed last week that on al gore's campaign payroll was a consultant, apparently names charley, who is an australopithecine, an extinct genus of ape-like creatures from the pliocene epoch, believed to be ancestral to humanity. yes, i was on the payroll. i was advising vice president gore on how to be an alpha male. this does help explain some of gore's bizarre behavior over the past few months. the ritual mounting when greeting subordinates... those numbers in yet? uh--- not yet, sir. the canine-baring at luncheons... stay away from the shrimp! the throwing of sticks and fruit at debates... oo! oo! and the chasing clinton away from interns. stay away from my womenfolk! for a while, gore's poll numbers actually rose. when i saw gore on 'this week' with an aide behind him grooming him, i got a strong sense of his leadership. but a proposed policy, widely believed to have originated with charley, proved wildly unpopular. if elected, i will travel the country implementing a program of widespread infanticide. gore's approval rating dropped below 1%, making charley's dismissal inevitable. what!! killing babies is the prerogative of the new alpha male! is that so wrong?