Richard's Poor Almanac by Richard Thompson for February 13, 2015

Transcript:

richard's poor almanac ------- by richard thompson passive-aggressive valentines gifts gifts that eloquently express your repressed hostility. roses are too commital, cactuses too in-your-face & rubber plants too prophylactic. so give your valentine an exotic orchid! so high-maintenance it'll drop dead in days & won't your valentine feel guilty. bonus - it smells like rotten meat! everybody wants to be pampered, but why should you be the one to do it? instead, send him/her this assortment of acne creams, anti-fungal ointments, pumice-infused soaps, extra-harsh loofahs & a lint remover. extremely unsentimental! comes in an okay basket, nothing special. every year, each american eats 51 lbs of chocolate! but why spread it out? send your sweetheart this massively unappe-tizing 51 lb. block of unsweetened chocolate! calorie information is prominently display-ed. a spork is included. tales of doomed romance will set any heart a-flutter, and who wants that? here are three classic tales (romeo & juliet, heloise & abelard, trstan & isolde) retold to emphasize the destruc-tive effects of impul-sive behavior & in-appropriate partner choice. audio book cd version is read by camilla parker bowles. love gone wrong three cautionary tales of heedless lust & passion love gone wrong