Pearls Before Swine by Stephan Pastis for December 21, 2018

Now Santa won’t be able to give her presents on Christmas because of the restraining order.

If she’s a mother, no way she wants her kid(s) see her kissing him (more likely him kissing her) under the mistletoe.

Santa should never be lonely, he knows where all the naughty girls live.

Now she’ll keep the fire going in the fireplace all night.

Try going with ‘Santa Baby’!

Sounds like stalker behavior,

Try praising the way she fills stockings.

Mrs. Clause not giving any good lovin’?

maybe he should have said "baby it’s cold outside:,,,,,,

Maybe it’s all for a good Claus…

Wife probably left ‘em. (See today’s Cul-De-Sac).

You think Santa’s bad? I submit that millions of parents get their young children their own personal stalker-on-shelf. Now THAT’S creepy. It has got to take a toll on the kids’ psyches.

She has no interest in you. You show up one night of the year with presents and then you’re gone. What kind of commitment is that?

Easy to tell that woman does not have Christmas spirit ! You missed out on nothing Santa ;-)

And, by the way, that ain’t no lump of coal!

At least he did not tell her to on Santa’s lap.

Another Christmas song that will be deemed offensive and banned from the radio.

Mrs. Claud would not approve.

oh for goodness sake

Rudolph with your nose so bright, please find me a date tonight!

So what happened to Mrs. Claus?

Every Breath You Take……. Better call the Police!

Arlo Guthrie had a great song about Santa. The Pause of Mr. Claus. What’s in that pipe that he’s smoking? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ToPvZ1cL-AQ

I thought he had a thing for “Hos”

“Want a piece of candy, little elf?” SANTA CLAUS IS A DIRTY OLD MAN!

Extra geezer points if you catch that bit of cultural trivia.

I see you when you’re sleeping

I know when you’re awake

I’ve watched you in the shower

And boy do you look great!

At work, from time to time, we get collectively castigated for some who may or may not have been taking too long with their lunch and coffee break times by our supervisor. Around this time, when she’s not on shift, I run off this at our preshift meetings (xxxx’ed out her name) You better not pout, you better not cry, You better not shout, I’m telling you why, XXXXXX’s watching you work.She sees you when you’re sleeping, she knows when you’re awake, She knows when you’ve been gone too long When you’re on your coffee break.

Must be tough being Santa and wearing that hot suit.

Doesn’t Santa have a wife though?

He’s lucky she didn’t hit him. And what happened to Mrs. Claus?

Welcome to the surveillance state. See https://www.popularmechanics.com/military/a2398/4236865/. They do see you when you’re sleeping. They do see you when you’re awake. They do know whether you’ve been bad or good, according to their, not your, definitions of bad or good, so you better follow their definitions of bad or good for your own sweet sake.

after that terrible pick-up line, Baby, It got cold inside!

what do you mean, rat? that’s a GREAT opening line.

I thought the song was about blackmailing your kids to behave. Common parental tactic, closely followed by teaching you how to feel guilt (also common religious tactic).

My friend Mugg Muggles sings it as “He’ll seize you when you’re sleeping.”

He’s knows when you’ve been naughty. And, he has photos.

Don’t pout. Santa just wants to know if you’ve been bad or good. For goodness sake.

Milk and cookies just aren’t enough.

Santa’s moonlights as a meteorologist during the off-season. How other pick-up song:

Baby, it’s cold

Baby, it’s cold outside

Could be worse; he could cite a certain song by Sting!

When word of that gets back to Mrs. Santa, he going to end up with more than coal in his stocking.

Said that way it sounds creepier than the song

Stalker Santa sings “Every Move You Make”.

Good grief, Santa! Sober up! You should not be taking advice from Rat. Isn’t he on your Naughty List, anyway?

That would make a great Sting song…

Santa can only get a “Rat” sized glass of beer? Look how puny that is! The Good Man needs a pint! Pastis needs more drawing classes.

What about Mrs. Claus? Did they break up?

Very stalky

That has got to be creepiest christmas song ever!