Non Sequitur by Wiley Miller for February 15, 2020

They could always do it by tweet

I used to work as a contract employee for a large corporation. When my swipe card let me in in the morning I knew I was being paid for the day.

“I lost my job. No, I didn’t really lose my job. I know where my job is. It’s just, when I go there, there’s this new guy doing it.” Bobcat Goldthwait

need to work on their subtlety.

When I retired I just left a note on my cubicle “gone fishing”.

I walked into the door marked Employee Entrance one morning when the boss called out, “Not so fast!”

I’m surprised that they didn’t hide the chair and keyboard.

The worst for me was being called by my boss (his office was in the building across the street), told to go stand by the fax machine, and having him fax my layoff notice to me. He didn’t even have the decency to tell me to my face! Needless to say, not one of my favorite bosses.

I would have thought the sign be next to the other – empty – cubicle. They didn’t even let him clean out his desk first!

A former boss of mine – really nice guy, brilliant and talented – had an office stuffed with hundreds of books. One afternoon I came back from lunch to find his office full of security men, stuffing all his belongings in boxes and carting them off. Upper management had terminated him precipitously and didn’t care how humiliating that might have been. They could have at least let him come back on a weekend to get his things without making a circus of it.

I got an email about a one on one meeting with the boss. I starting packing.

Employee: you wanted to see me sir? Boss yes. I have been wanting to talk to you about a new opportunity – in another company somewhere else

When I was about 35, I just couldn’t stand corporate culture anymore. Just left one day and never went back. They even sent the police to find out if I was okay. I called and said, “Of course I’m okay. I don’t work there anymore!”

Ultimate termination: “You were.” (X, headstone)

I found out I’d been sacked from one job I had when I came back from vacation and found that they’d changed the locks on my office door.

This usually happens the day after they tell you that as an employee, you are their greatest asset.

I and 499 of my co-workers were laid off from Motorola WHQ one morning. They had a 9 story atrium open to all the floors, into which someone yelled “Motorola SUCKS!!!”

Retired from the Post Office. Left a note “Moved, address unknown.”

This is where I find myself today. They are closing the technical centers in the US. tRump’s trade policies are untenable, the company re-incorporated in the UK (not sure if Brexit will turn out to be even worse) with technical centers in Europe and Asia. North America is covered from a Mexico Technical Center.

Well, hopefully, he got everything he could out of the company because they got what they wanted out of him.

When I was a programmer it was common practice, when you were fired, for management to have you immediately escorted as you packed and left the premises. This was done to safeguard proprietary software and so that you weren’t tempted to sabotage software.

When I was laid off, I was expected to clean my cubicle ready for the next occupant in the two weeks “turnover” period. I just took my few personal items and left everything else. Eight months later the company HR department sent me a bunch of forms to sign and return. Those were promptly dispatched to the waiting maw of Chompy the Shredder.

When my newspaper job disappeared I was given three months notice and a very generous severance. I walked out of the HR office door, and went to see the Operations Manager. I told him that since I was still working for him it was my responsibility to inform him that when laying off somebody like myself with critical access to sensitive information, it was best to have a security accompany said former employee to their desk, observe them clean out their personal belongings, and show them the door. Cold, yes, but also sensible. He did not take my advice, and when I left three months later, their systems were running optimally and kept on running right up to the time the Operations Manager turned them off.

And boy, did I ever get good recommendations, all the way from the publisher to the manager.

The robots took your job.

On his reality TV program, Mr. Trump could say “You’re fired” face to face. I often wonder why he can’t do that as president of the United States.

After Bum Phillips last season with the Houston Oilers he was on his way to meet the owner only to learn over the radio he was just fired.

When I decided to finally pull the plug, I filled out the online process right before the end-of-year evaluation meeting. I went in and the boss said, “Something you want to tell me?” We had a laugh and talked about this and that.

I worked at a place like this back in 1998-99 that could have been the inspiration for this. On a couple of occasions, someone would show up in the morning only to find someone else sitting at their workstation.

I had to fire two people – two different companies. It was not pleasant. But I did it face-to-face. It was not unexpected in either case. I had been working with them (with coaching from HR) to see if we could improve their performance to standards.

Try “limited restructuring”…..

I have a great Wiley comic on my wall in my home office from years ago. It shows a guy with a briefcase entering his front door and he says to his wife. “ I went to work today and I couldn’t figure out why, so I retired.” I love it!

It’s a bit better than the one where you arrive one morning and your Cubicle space has been Merged with the employee cubicles on either side of you leaving no trace that you ever Existed.

“Knock knock” “Who’s there?” “Not you anymore.”