Herman by Jim Unger for October 14, 2021

“I wish you would just clam up, buddy.”

“Does it really hurt you?”

“Only when I laugh”

Yes I heard you, but you’re not cute so it didn’t matter.

If you can’t afford pearl toenail polish, put your foot in a clam.

I hardly even hear and see you from here – hey you don’t happen to be Botticelli’s “Venus”, huh?

Hey, there was a story on the internet about a shark hunting in 2 feet of water.

David Hasselhoff in his latter years.

I saw that episode on ‘Bay Watch’. Of course I only watched the show for the articles…

Oh were you talking to me?

That lifeguard does not exactly have a “swimmer’s body.”

And then there was the computer geek that was drowning and yelling out “Eff ONE! Eff ONE!”

Oh, clam up.

If he’s capable of shouting, he’s not really drowning. The “lifeguard” decided.

Clam up.

That lifeguard looks more like a floatation device.

No – you were underwater most of the time.

Sorry. I was listening on my Conch shell. It did not pick up your voice.

“I only rescue people on the beach.”

Clearly, for this swimmer, there’s trouble afoot.

For thought you were just pearl diving.

Yea I heard you, but it looked like too much work, so why bother.

Don’t be so shellfish.

Oh no! He stepped on Baby Venus.

Eh…just tell him to “clam up.”