Frog Applause by Teresa Burritt for January 26, 2023

In the version of the Kalevala that has been passed down to us, the magical Sampo was destroyed in a battle between the hag-goddess Louhi and the hero Väinämöinen. What actually happened is more embarrassing: Louhi brought it back to its creator, Ilmarinen, to add a fourth output in addition to salt, flour and gold, in order to satisfy her monstrous craving for processed cheese. Alas, the miraculous cheese backed up and clogged all the outputs, which caused internal pressure to build until it exploded. Väinämöinen agreed to never reveal Louhi’s mistake as long as he could take credit for the fertility and riches that the bits of Sampo and blobs of cheese brought to the land. In a later generation, across the sea, an attempt was made to re-create the recipe of the magical cheese food produced by the Sampo, and it was named Velveeta.

Velveeta is to cheese what Kenny G. is to jazz music.

I suggest dropping any standards you might have. The work will progress much faster if you are willing to stomach such lines as – On the moor I chanced to meet a giant block of bold Velveeta.

I tried making nachos with Velveeta. It did not turn out well.

Velveeta is NOT cheese. It is a cheese-like food product.

What does it mean to be Prosser and mated in my Kisser. Out came Velveeta all the sweeter. Our gal likes my dog Pal. Get it on little doggies, in a strip with chez froggies.

Rough Draft. …match the match….

Duck on Duck off, what the fudge. She’s a little renegade that had Velveeta made.

To the Honorable Creator, Ms. Teresa: Lameness ages like fine wine, almost as durable as Velveeta® out on the counter.

You should write

Your epic poem

Using just seventeen syllables …!

( but liquor is quicker )

Long the dwarven smiths did labor

In their secret hidden delvings

Forging weapons from Velveeta

Blades of legendary dullness

Made for dimwits by the loony

Crazed by cheese food fumes and whiskey.

“epic poem” = a lot of pressure ;+)

Excerpt from the saga version follows: There was a cheese named Velveeta that lived in Kraft. It was the offspring of American and Whiz. American was the offspring of Cheddar and Adulteration. Whiz is believed to have been the descendant of a 50 square mile slime mold whose antecedents are not well known.

I once undertook to write an epic poem, combining sci-fi and traditional themes. Got about two or three chirograph pages done before giving up the project. It’s one memorable phrase was “…and the clots of gore upon the floor….” Gore is like Velveeta, in a literary sense.

The Muse is a harsh mistress (paraphrasing RAH’s title)….

Make it an ode and be done with ik.