Cornered by Mike Baldwin for May 12, 2024

Small: Hers are real “fearjerkers”. Large: Possibly alluding to the “slime” of the century.

Nailed it. On both of them.

For Mother’s Day, let me tell you all I learned from dear ol’ Mom:

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .

“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside.. I just finished cleaning.”

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.

“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.

“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.

“Because I said so, that’s why.”

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .

“If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.

“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”

7. My mother taught me IRONY.

“Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .

“Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTION-ISM.

“Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA ..

“You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.

“This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.

“If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.

“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..”

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .

“Stop acting like your father!”

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.

“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”

(continued)

Yes Goldielocks, tells her what a crooked thief vandal you was.

I’d love to have this rocker. Looks comfy and sturdy.

That brought back a lot of those old phrases our mothers used on us. It is definitely a lot funnier to read them now than it was to hear them when I was little! Thank you for the laughs.

Thot panel one said “You just use these stories to avoid taking your own life!” (Until l got the rub out of my eyes) whew!

Small: Better a fairy tale than telling her things that will cause her to need years of psychotherapy. Large: See my comment on the small panel.

when you care enough to send the very best victim impact statement…

If my daughter gives me a victim impact statement for Mother’s Day, I’ll disown her.

What is a victim impact statement?

Hi Mom… I home! Happy Mother’s Day!

I got you those flowers you told me that I wanted to get you!

I got you a Mother’s Statement for Victim’s Day.

I love both of these, but the fairy tales one is pure gold. Worthy of the highest honor—namely being on a t-shirt or fridge magnet!

Small: Yeah if you really want to put her to sleep, talk about your life.

Hallmark Victim Impact Statement. Wait til she sees the restitution she owes.

Gotta love 2 fer 1 Sundays!