Aunty Acid by Ged Backland for October 01, 2024

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    Yakety Sax  about 2 months ago

    The Language Of The Mind

    A customer walks up to the counter.

    Customer: Speaks a collection of syllables that make no sense to me at all.

    Me: “I’m sorry, can you repeat that?”

    Customer: Seemingly the same collection of syllables, this time less patient.

    So technically he did repeat it, but I still have no idea what he’s saying!

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I don’t understand—”

    Customer: Breaks into yet more incoherent syllables, this time with rising anger, when he stops, pauses, has an internal moment. “I was speaking Tagalog, wasn’t I?”

    Me: “I don’t know what you were speaking but it wasn’t English!”

    Customer: “Sorry! I was having an argument with my inner monologue, and I forgot to transition out loud. I thought I was going crazy!”

    Me: “You thought you were going crazy?!”

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    Yakety Sax  about 2 months ago

    Well, That Was Fruitful

    My mobile phone rings with an unknown number.

    Scammer: “Hello, this is Lindsey from [Mobile Phone Company I haven’t been with for ten years].”

    Me: “No, it isn’t.”

    Scammer: “Yes, it is.”

    Me: “No, it isn’t.”

    Scammer: “Yes, it is.”

    Me: “No, it isn’t.”

    Scammer: “Yes, it is.”

    Me: “No, it isn’t.”

    Scammer: “Yes, it is.”

    Me: “No, it isn’t.”

    Scammer: “You are a f****** idiot.” Hangs up

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    Yakety Sax  about 2 months ago

    This Generational Blaming Isn’t Mathing

    I catch myself yawning at the store I work at during the last minutes of working a double shift (I need the money, guys!). A customer buying cigarettes seems offended by this.

    Customer: “Boring you, are we?”

    Me: “No, sorry! Just been a long day.”

    Customer: “You kids don’t know the meaning of a long day! I used to work twelve-hour shifts back in my day!”

    Me: “Well, I’m doing a double, so we do have long days, too.”

    Customer: “What time did you start today?!”

    Me: “Six this morning.”

    Customer: “See, and it’s only ten! That’s four hours, you sensitive snowflake!”

    Me: “6 AM to 10 PM is sixteen hours.”

    Customer: “Ten minus six is four! If you can’t do math that simple maybe you belong working here.”

    Me: “I… sure.”

    I choose not to argue.

    Me: “So for the two packs of [cigarettes] that will be $18.”

    Customer: “What?! Why so much?”

    Me: “They’re $9 each, which times two makes it $18, but it’s okay if you can’t do simple math, that’s what I’m here for!”

    The customer scowled at me as she paid, and with that final customer, I signed off and went home to a well-earned sleep!

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    Yakety Sax  about 2 months ago

    Well, That’s A Kid Of A Different Color

    I was a children’s ski coach. For the group lessons, each child would be assigned a team, indicated by a colored vest, for their age and ability.

    While I was teaching a group of reds (three- and four-year-old beginners), a woman approached me.

    Woman: “My kids are in a lesson. Where are they so I can watch them?”

    Me: “What color are they?”

    Woman: “Excuse me?!”

    It turned out that her kids were in a private lesson and were not part of our colorful classification. (This also meant that it was hard to guess where they would be!) I tried to be more careful about using coach shorthand with the public after that.

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    Yakety Sax  about 2 months ago

    They Walk Among Us… And Worse, They Probably Vote, Part 4

    I try not to mix up politics with customers, but it is in the middle of a local election and it’s all the regular customers in our local sleepy town can talk about.

    Customer: “So… who you votin’ for?”

    Me: “Well, I’m happy to let you know that I will vote. I don’t need to tell you who, though.”

    Customer: “Oh, it’s alright. I won’t tell anyone.”

    This customer has been a regular for a while, and I have deemed her a nice old lady. I go against my gut and make conversation:

    Me: “Well I’m going to vote for [Candidate] since [Other Candidate] seems to hate public transportation and since I can’t drive for medical reasons I kinda need that.”

    Customer: “Hmph… I don’t vote for anything that’s got “trans” in its name.”

    Last time I go against my gut!

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    FreyjaRN Premium Member about 2 months ago

    I wish I could jog.

    I did well in PT today. She comes twice a week to work me hard. Today, I went to the bedroom door, then wheeled myself to the bathroom and back. I saw the new bidet hubby installed. Nice!

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    Yakety Sax  about 2 months ago

    You Work Checkout? Checks Out…

    I am working checkout, and a customer has joined my line, followed by the next customer a minute later. After a couple of minutes, the first customer shouts out to me:

    Customer: “Are you blind?! Call some help over! We’ve been waiting too long!”

    Before I can even acknowledge what they said to me the next customer jumps in:

    Next Customer: “My brother in Christ, you have been waiting in the line for two minutes; you can wait two more.”

    Customer: “Don’t you “brother” me! They should open more lanes when customers are waiting.”

    Next Customer: “Are you the blind one?! Every lane is open!” Pointing to me. “Should she start building a new one right now? That will certainly speed things up.”

    Customer: “Then she needs to work faster!”

    Next Customer: “Yes, because you shouting at her and distracting her will certainly do that.”

    Customer: “Mind your own business!”

    Next Customer: “You’re in line ahead of me. You delaying the line is my business. There are six people in line and you’re the only one being an a**hole about it. Shut up and let that sink in.”

    The customer grumbled and stewed for a little while but didn’t argue back. When it was the next customer’s turn to checkout:

    Me: “Thanks for that.”

    Next Customer: “You kidding? That was satisfying as h***! I work the checkouts over at [Big Box Store] and I can only dream of saying things like to my customers!”

    That explains it. They GET it.

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    rob.home  about 2 months ago

    My butt cheeks clap most mornings, presumably to wake me up, if my bladder hasn’t already done so.

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    sbenton7684  about 2 months ago

    Clapping cheeks is something I hope I’ll never experience…

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    ddl297  about 2 months ago

    I sometimes bemoan my flappity upper arms, then I remember, “They used to be full of FAT!” And I grab the 5-pound weights to Work That Flesh!

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    Barnabus Blackoak  about 2 months ago

    “…and thought people we are cheering me on.” ???

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    [Traveler] Premium Member about 2 months ago

    I don’t have enough a$$ for my cheeks to clap. Typical white male.

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    ChessPirate  about 2 months ago

    Embarrassing when your grammatical errors are out there for all to see, isn’t it, Ged? ☺

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    Daltongang Premium Member about 2 months ago

    Aunty, that’s not you butt cheeks clapping, that’s your arm flaps slapping against your sides.

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    rockyridge1977  about 2 months ago

    Slow down…….you move too fast!!!

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    [Unnamed Reader - 288232]  about 2 months ago

    “were”

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    cactusbob333  about 2 months ago

    We know what that breeze is and where it’s coming from, to make your cheeks sound the applause.

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    cuzinron47  about 2 months ago

    And your boobs slapping you in the face.

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    rbullfogg  about 2 months ago

    We all need to proof read before we hit send. Always seems like when I don’t I should have. Write Geb! LOL :)

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    EMGULS79  about 2 months ago

    Don’t lie to us. That wind was emanating FROM your butt-cheeks, and you know it.

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    pearlyqim  about 2 months ago

    That’s disgusting and hilarious!!

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    wildlandwaters  about 2 months ago

    thanks for that mind pic… now I need a lobotomy!

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    crazeekatlady  about 2 months ago

    TMI Aunty. I have two replaced knees, and the doctor recommended I not run or jump anymore. That is how I destroyed the original equipment.

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    DeeFosterBorcherding Premium Member about 2 months ago

    Grammatical error: the correct word is WERE, not WE’RE!!!

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