Repurposing an “epic” classic from 2008— one that appears to get only lamer with age. Seriously, what’s my dealio with Velveeta cheese? (At least this time there’s no cringeworthy typo staring back at me.)
In the version of the Kalevala that has been passed down to us, the magical Sampo was destroyed in a battle between the hag-goddess Louhi and the hero Väinämöinen. What actually happened is more embarrassing: Louhi brought it back to its creator, Ilmarinen, to add a fourth output in addition to salt, flour and gold, in order to satisfy her monstrous craving for processed cheese. Alas, the miraculous cheese backed up and clogged all the outputs, which caused internal pressure to build until it exploded. Väinämöinen agreed to never reveal Louhi’s mistake as long as he could take credit for the fertility and riches that the bits of Sampo and blobs of cheese brought to the land. In a later generation, across the sea, an attempt was made to re-create the recipe of the magical cheese food produced by the Sampo, and it was named Velveeta.
I suggest dropping any standards you might have. The work will progress much faster if you are willing to stomach such lines as – On the moor I chanced to meet a giant block of bold Velveeta.
What does it mean to be Prosser and mated in my Kisser. Out came Velveeta all the sweeter. Our gal likes my dog Pal. Get it on little doggies, in a strip with chez froggies.
Excerpt from the saga version follows: There was a cheese named Velveeta that lived in Kraft. It was the offspring of American and Whiz. American was the offspring of Cheddar and Adulteration. Whiz is believed to have been the descendant of a 50 square mile slime mold whose antecedents are not well known.
I once undertook to write an epic poem, combining sci-fi and traditional themes. Got about two or three chirograph pages done before giving up the project. It’s one memorable phrase was “…and the clots of gore upon the floor….” Gore is like Velveeta, in a literary sense.
The Muse is a harsh mistress (paraphrasing RAH’s title)….
Teresa Burritt (Frog Applause) creator over 1 year ago
Repurposing an “epic” classic from 2008— one that appears to get only lamer with age. Seriously, what’s my dealio with Velveeta cheese? (At least this time there’s no cringeworthy typo staring back at me.)
Randy B Premium Member over 1 year ago
In the version of the Kalevala that has been passed down to us, the magical Sampo was destroyed in a battle between the hag-goddess Louhi and the hero Väinämöinen. What actually happened is more embarrassing: Louhi brought it back to its creator, Ilmarinen, to add a fourth output in addition to salt, flour and gold, in order to satisfy her monstrous craving for processed cheese. Alas, the miraculous cheese backed up and clogged all the outputs, which caused internal pressure to build until it exploded. Väinämöinen agreed to never reveal Louhi’s mistake as long as he could take credit for the fertility and riches that the bits of Sampo and blobs of cheese brought to the land. In a later generation, across the sea, an attempt was made to re-create the recipe of the magical cheese food produced by the Sampo, and it was named Velveeta.
A# 466 over 1 year ago
Velveeta is to cheese what Kenny G. is to jazz music.
tudza Premium Member over 1 year ago
I suggest dropping any standards you might have. The work will progress much faster if you are willing to stomach such lines as – On the moor I chanced to meet a giant block of bold Velveeta.
Rotifer HEATHEN POTATO WE KNEW YE WELL Thalweg Premium Member over 1 year ago
I tried making nachos with Velveeta. It did not turn out well.
Teto85 Premium Member over 1 year ago
Velveeta is NOT cheese. It is a cheese-like food product.
Mad-ge Dish Soap over 1 year ago
What does it mean to be Prosser and mated in my Kisser. Out came Velveeta all the sweeter. Our gal likes my dog Pal. Get it on little doggies, in a strip with chez froggies.
Rough Draft. …match the match….
Mad-ge Dish Soap over 1 year ago
Duck on Duck off, what the fudge. She’s a little renegade that had Velveeta made.
coltish1 over 1 year ago
To the Honorable Creator, Ms. Teresa: Lameness ages like fine wine, almost as durable as Velveeta® out on the counter.
Howard'sMyHero over 1 year ago
You should write
Your epic poem
Using just seventeen syllables …!
( but liquor is quicker )
Randy B Premium Member over 1 year ago
Long the dwarven smiths did labor
In their secret hidden delvings
Forging weapons from Velveeta
Blades of legendary dullness
Made for dimwits by the loony
Crazed by cheese food fumes and whiskey.
charles9156 over 1 year ago
“epic poem” = a lot of pressure ;+)
willie_mctell over 1 year ago
Excerpt from the saga version follows: There was a cheese named Velveeta that lived in Kraft. It was the offspring of American and Whiz. American was the offspring of Cheddar and Adulteration. Whiz is believed to have been the descendant of a 50 square mile slime mold whose antecedents are not well known.
Sisyphos over 1 year ago
I once undertook to write an epic poem, combining sci-fi and traditional themes. Got about two or three chirograph pages done before giving up the project. It’s one memorable phrase was “…and the clots of gore upon the floor….” Gore is like Velveeta, in a literary sense.
The Muse is a harsh mistress (paraphrasing RAH’s title)….
Meh~tdology, fka Pepelaputr over 1 year ago
Make it an ode and be done with ik.