Pearls Before Swine by Stephan Pastis for March 02, 2014
Transcript:
Elly Elephant went to bed with her teddy bear for the 11,000th straight night. "I want to be held by a living being," she cried. So Elly Elephant ventured into the world. Searching for two arms to protect her. For two hands to caress her. For two lips to kiss her. For two eyes to get lost in. Elly Elephant got a slap in the @##. Elly Elephant learned to be happy with her teddy bear.
One guess as to who wrote this story!