Ripley's Believe It or Not by Ripley’s Believe It or Not! for May 28, 2021

Hello, Gentle Readers (and greetings to the clumsy among us, as well) – it’s fast approaching “Dads and Grads” season; time to contemplate the mystery of “why do they call it ‘Commencement’ when the ceremony marks the END of studies?” But I digress. Tonight’s story involves one of those soon-to-be graduates at a prestigious University:

The young man approached the Professor’s desk, as said educator was starting to read and grade the immense stack of term papers on his desk.

“Here’s my paper, Sir,” said the student.

“I’m sorry, young man. That paper was due yesterday, and I do NOT accept late submissions.”

“Well, excuse ME, Sir,” the student said, haughtily. “Do you know who I am?”

“No, I do not,” replied the prof.

“Good!” the student answered gleefully, as he hastily stuck his paper into the middle of the stack and beat a hasty retreat.

Good work, Tubby, at showing them litter bugs who’s boss.

So that piece of cloth made two historic first-flights.

Three contractors bid to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Kentucky and the third is from New Orleans. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The New Orleans contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.

“Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run about $9,000. That’s $4,000 for materials, $4,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me.”

The Kentucky contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do this job for $7,000. That’s $3,000 for materials, $3,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me.”

The Chicago contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, “$27,000.”

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn’t even measure like the other guys. How did you come up with such a high figure?”

“The Chicago contractor whispers back, “$10,000 for me, $10,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Kentucky to fix the fence.”

“Done!” replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how the Government Stimulus plan worked.

Worse, Tubby set that record during a six year stretch. I’ve walked my dog almost every day for the last five years, and I think I’ve seen maybe 5-10 discarded plastic bottles during that time. The people of Wales apparently suck.

Dang. I never knews there were anymore rare flying turtles left in the world. I thoughts they had gone extinct. And it looks more like a rare flying tortoise than a rare flying turtle too.

Good doggie.

What are they looking for on Mars anyway? Is they looking for the rare Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator ?

A friend of mine was driving behind a truck in heavy traffic. Smoke started pouring out from one of the wheel wells of the truck and suddenly, a piece of the brake came flying out from under the truck, smashed through my friend’s windshield and landed on his front passenger seat. My friend was completely unhurt, but very shaken up.

Gamera!

Driving home after Christmas shopping with a friend, he was driving. I chunk of ice comes thru the windshield at me. KIDS tossed it at us. We tried to chase, but they got away. I wasn’t hurt.

26000 × .05 = $1300, not shabby. Dog pays its way.

Now, if Tubby was a flying retriever who’d been to Mars, then we’d REALLY have an interesting story.

Turtles aren’t meant to fly: obviously a case of reptile dysfunction

Ah the old turtle vs tortoise discussion.

Take care, may famed highway pothole counter Jose “Limpy” Beltranord be with you, and gesundheit.

I miss the days when people actually commented on the content of the comic.

Plastic waste is the biggest threat to humans. Our bodies now contain micro-plastic balls thanks to the poor disposal of plastic. That includes everyone who rinses out acrylic or latex paint from their paint brush in the sink.

The Ingenuity, however, traveled more than 12 seconds and 120 feet.

Tubby’s great, great, great grandfather told him there was a refundable deposit on the bottles.

A turtle head is never pleasant.

Hopefully, that postage stamp sized piece of cloth has “Forever” stamped on it so it will work when someone discovers it someday…

Thank you joke writers I enjoy a laugh every now and again

Were they both on their way home from the same Bar?….

Ninja turtle?

Flying turtle huh? OOO-KAY>

Turtle was probably dropped by a bird of prey.

Gamera lives!…

I wonder what’s happening to the plastic bottles, after he picks them up?