I recently related a story about a politician on a train, judiciously leaving off the pol’s name and affiliation. (Some of you still jumped in with your own politics, though…) The following story, while having no politician, also takes place on a train, and has the additional advantage – or possibly DISadvantage – of being absolutely true:
My wife and I once bought a chance on The Amtrak. (This was back in the 70s when it truly was a game of chance.) We boarded the train in Seattle, then we stopped in Tacoma, Chehalis…
However, south of Chehalis, the train came to a rather abrupt halt. We weren’t at a station; just out in an open field – not even a roadway in view. I saw the conductor coming up the aisle, so I asked him why we had stopped.
“We hit a cow,” he replied.
The woman across the aisle from us said, “Oh, dear – was it on the tracks?”
Here’s one before I go about courts and lawyers in Ireland.
Solicitors should never ask a County Offaly granny a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer.
In a trial in Tullamore recently a small-town prosecuting solicitor called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, ‘Mrs. Murphy, do you know me?’ She responded, ‘Yes, I do know you, Mr. Burke. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big lad when you haven’t the brains to realise you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit pen pusher. Yes, I know you.’
The solicitor was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, ‘Mrs. Murphy, do you know the defence lawyer?’
She again replied, ‘Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Cummins since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, snobby, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire country. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.’
The defence lawyer nearly died.
The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,‘If either of you idiots ask her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the Mountjoy prison for ten years each.
Take care, may secretly screaming librarian Myrtle “I Will Not Commit Mass Murder Today I Will Not Commit Mass Murder Today” Tomewormord be with you, and gesundheit.
Interesting, the Mafia bit. Vito does mentions “la cosa nostra” (our thing) – but I don’t know if this term was actually being used by the mobsters, or if it was coined by Mario Puzo.
After his plane was hit and he was forced to eject, the Marine fighter pilot finally regained consciousness. He was in a hospital in a lot of pain.
He found himself in the ICU with tubes/IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function and a nurse hovering over him looking worried.
It was obvious he was in a life-threatening situation.
The nurse gave him a serious look, straight into his eyes. Knowing he was not only a fighter pilot, but a Marine, she spoke to him softly and slowly, enunciating each word:
“You may not feel anything from the waist down.”
Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, “Can I feel your t*ts, then?”
And that, my friends, is a real positive attitude.
My 22 year old daughter’s job is going to take her to Elba for a week this summer. I said “Wow! Elba. That’s where Napoleon was exiled! I’d love to go there!” She said “Who’s Napoleon?”Also: "I’ve never seen “The Godfather”.
Two Mafia hit-men are walking deep into a forest in the middle of the night. One of them says, “I gotta admit I’m scared out here.” The other replies, “You’re scared… I gotta walk back alone!”
There was an agreement between the writers and the actual mob, that the word “Mafia” would not be used… partially because they were afraid it would portray them in a negative light.Real gangsters were actually used to provide security on the set, as well.
eromlig over 2 years ago
I recently related a story about a politician on a train, judiciously leaving off the pol’s name and affiliation. (Some of you still jumped in with your own politics, though…) The following story, while having no politician, also takes place on a train, and has the additional advantage – or possibly DISadvantage – of being absolutely true:
My wife and I once bought a chance on The Amtrak. (This was back in the 70s when it truly was a game of chance.) We boarded the train in Seattle, then we stopped in Tacoma, Chehalis…
However, south of Chehalis, the train came to a rather abrupt halt. We weren’t at a station; just out in an open field – not even a roadway in view. I saw the conductor coming up the aisle, so I asked him why we had stopped.
“We hit a cow,” he replied.
The woman across the aisle from us said, “Oh, dear – was it on the tracks?”
Templo S.U.D. over 2 years ago
As much as I’ve never watched The Godfather, did Marlon Brando and his buddies call themselves “L’Organizzazione”?
Charlie Fogwhistle over 2 years ago
Here’s one before I go about courts and lawyers in Ireland.
Solicitors should never ask a County Offaly granny a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer.
In a trial in Tullamore recently a small-town prosecuting solicitor called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, ‘Mrs. Murphy, do you know me?’ She responded, ‘Yes, I do know you, Mr. Burke. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big lad when you haven’t the brains to realise you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit pen pusher. Yes, I know you.’
The solicitor was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, ‘Mrs. Murphy, do you know the defence lawyer?’
She again replied, ‘Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Cummins since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, snobby, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire country. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.’
The defence lawyer nearly died.
The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,‘If either of you idiots ask her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the Mountjoy prison for ten years each.
Until next time.
zerotvus over 2 years ago
they may not have said “mafia”. but how many times did they say Congress?
Huckleberry Hiroshima over 2 years ago
And neither is the word borborygmus.
Take care, may secretly screaming librarian Myrtle “I Will Not Commit Mass Murder Today I Will Not Commit Mass Murder Today” Tomewormord be with you, and gesundheit.
Jaime Jean M over 2 years ago
Interesting, the Mafia bit. Vito does mentions “la cosa nostra” (our thing) – but I don’t know if this term was actually being used by the mobsters, or if it was coined by Mario Puzo.
joefearsnothing over 2 years ago
I remember them saying “The Family” several times!
Nala the Great over 2 years ago
Do any of you know that Mafia was started as a patriotic organization! It started as the initials in Italian for “Death To France, Italy Forever”
NeedaChuckle Premium Member over 2 years ago
I read that the mob was very happy with the Godfather. Lenny Montana-Luca Brasi was actually a mob member.
e.groves over 2 years ago
What is that round thing with the dominos?
poppacapsmokeblower over 2 years ago
Massospora Cicadina is sold as a weight loss supplement to cicadas who think their butts are too big.
mindjob over 2 years ago
Positive Attitude
After his plane was hit and he was forced to eject, the Marine fighter pilot finally regained consciousness. He was in a hospital in a lot of pain.
He found himself in the ICU with tubes/IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function and a nurse hovering over him looking worried.
It was obvious he was in a life-threatening situation.
The nurse gave him a serious look, straight into his eyes. Knowing he was not only a fighter pilot, but a Marine, she spoke to him softly and slowly, enunciating each word:
“You may not feel anything from the waist down.”
Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, “Can I feel your t*ts, then?”
And that, my friends, is a real positive attitude.
dv1093 over 2 years ago
My 22 year old daughter’s job is going to take her to Elba for a week this summer. I said “Wow! Elba. That’s where Napoleon was exiled! I’d love to go there!” She said “Who’s Napoleon?”Also: "I’ve never seen “The Godfather”.
WCraft Premium Member over 2 years ago
That cicada parasite could be a big seller in weight loss clinics, if they can modify it for humans – I’m just saying
FassEddie over 2 years ago
Two Mafia hit-men are walking deep into a forest in the middle of the night. One of them says, “I gotta admit I’m scared out here.” The other replies, “You’re scared… I gotta walk back alone!”
tinstar over 2 years ago
There was an agreement between the writers and the actual mob, that the word “Mafia” would not be used… partially because they were afraid it would portray them in a negative light.Real gangsters were actually used to provide security on the set, as well.