Pearls Before Swine by Stephan Pastis for November 15, 2023

Try repenting on your deathbed.

That’s LITERALLY the “definition” of a “deathbed” repentance aka a “last-minute” prayer to Jesus Christ!!!! Dan aka…

I’m picturing Rat handing out red caps that say “Making the Afterlife Great Again.”

It’s about intent. I plan to bring my own tent.

oopsies…i like it!

Oopsie-doodles?

Well, I could make all kinds of faith comments on this one, but I’m just going to have a good laugh.

Good one, Pastis!

Probably easier to just stop believing in hell,

I’d go with “whoopsie daisy”. It’s sounds a bit sweeter and more innocent. Good luck!

What if Rat was Catholic, can you imagine him in confession?! I do not think there are enough “Hail Mary’s” to cover his antics!

Mistakes were made.

Just think how hot hell would be with rising temperatures

You should be worried, Rat.

You’ll go to Oopsie Land, where you’re the oopsie, just like in real life.

With your last breath!

Nothing to worry about Rat; nothing comes after.

I’m pretty sure Rat can find a good lawyer down there!

“OOpsies” is a great defense. And a lot of people (ok, one person) is using the Bart Simpson defense -“I didn’t do it, you didn’t see me do it, you can’t prove a thing!”

“I’d rather laugh with the sinners, than cry with the saints…”—Billy Joel

On my death bed I am going to channel Maxwell Smart“ Sorry about that Chief”

Rat would never defend his actions. He’s proud of all the awful things he’s done, so being trapped in that fiery bad place would be the lesser of evils. Unless his eternal torment is being forced to stay with demons who resemble his worst enemies (which is a very long list).

That would imply that doing good things will get you into Heaven.

I believe that to be false.

Repenting before and after death is not an issue for me. What gets me are those who take a “holier than thou” stance and say that death is never enough punishment for doing what you did wrong. Even more so, when crimes are cherry picked for being worse. How is anyone supposed to rehabilitate, repent, seek forgiveness, heal and move on after committing their wrongdoing, when you’ve got people like that saying those kind of things? I’m beginning to have serious doubts about the human race in general.

Rat can always go for “If the ‘Oppsies’ doesn’t fit, You must acquit ©”.

A defense that gets one nowhere quickly.

That was my plan.

Rat can’t say, "Sorry!’ … :)

for heaven, can I get dibs? PLEEEEASE! God is good, RIGHT!

The whole idea is absurd.

Goat’s first sentence is phrased a bit oddly. At first I thought “die and go to he’ll” was one unified action, and that Rat was going to be judged after he got there. But the judgment would come first. Now I feel like there’s a missing comma or something.

Third act repformation

Humans are apparently the only time-binding animals, capable of contemplating their own deaths. Since that’s a distressing prospect, it has naturally led them to try to figure out ways to weasel out of it. And, being imaginative as well, they have conjured up reassuring myths that there’s something else awaiting them on the far side of this mortal veil. Sadly, there’s never been a lick of evidence that this comforting illusion has a shred of reality. This has not prevented a huge profession — the priest class — from cashing in mightily by propagating their own particular versions of it. Credit where it’s due: Preying on people’s fear of death has proven to be a hugely successful profit engine.

your honor i plead oopsie daisy

Pretty sure the whole concept of forgiveness is the Ooopsie plea.

Didn’t Donny Jr just try that defence at the sentencing hearing?

“If it wasn’t for bad luck, I wouldn’t have no luck at all”

Will Rat ever find Jesus? Tune in to future installments here. But don’t hold your breath.

All of the worries go away if the devil doesn’t exist. Consider that the people who are pushing the concept of eternal suffering for your sins are the same ones who say they can save you for a suitable donation. Sounds like a scam to me.

Come on, we all know they die, lay on a hot highway a couple of days, and what crows don’t get goes to The Roadkill Cafe.

It’s a great stalling tactic, but in the end it’s no defense

I swear there ain’t no Heaven and I pray there ain’t no hell…..

“It takes a worried man to sing a worried song”.

No oooopsies allowed on judgement day, RAT! You still have time to turn your life around….

Convert to Hinduism and ask for a re-roll of the karmic dice.

The oopsie defense rarely works as you usually follow oopsie with the words “my bad” which shows knowledge and intent…..

There is a sure defense, and it’s free because God paid for it Himself.

And if things become really serious, we can up things to an Oopsy-Doopsies … right?!

Why worry, Rat? Your fate is a foredrawn conclusion….

Try pardoning yourself.