Crankshaft by Tom Batiuk and Dan Davis for May 14, 2024

Man, the Hindenburg would get lost in all those word zeppelins!

Ye Gods, is Masonne Jarre going to be carrying the whole week’s worth of background info on his sportscoat-clad shoulders? “Atlas Shrugged” had less verbiage!

At least now we have an idea what we’ll be dealing with this week! More FW refugees failing upward with Cindy and Masonne’s “big news,” more Dinkleberg (because when you want to use a 17th-century composer’s public domain music in your film score, you naturally first confer with his biographer), and yet another “StarSux Jones” movie premiere in Centerville. Hope none of you out there were expecting an Ed Crankshaft-centered story.

Also…“Bandelorians”! Get it? It’s like “Mandalorians,” but with “band” in it! BWAHAHAHA!!!

Cindy has a family? Is he talking about her ex-, Funky Winkerbean?

“Lede.” It’s “buried the LEDE.” I’ll forgive that, as this was scrawled by someone who apparently hasn’t worked IN NEWSPAPERS FOR HALF A CENTURY, TOM

“Well, Mason, my thoughts are that since you own this theater, you can make it happen. It’s going to be the biggest thing since ‘The Giant Claw’ opened! We’ll leave the back door open so you can sneak out when the audience starts laughing.”

I fully look forward to yet another of Tom’s Tales of Hollywood That Don’t Intersect With Reality! Of course, you dig up Vivaldi’s biographer’s corpse if you want to use his music! “Based on a Book By—” authors get veto power over the script are on the set, and Lady Girls who get their first Oscar give it to them! 1940 Hollywood: When films were Silent, and Murder Monkeys Talked! Marvel movies have grand openings in dumpy, sticky-floored dives in Rust Belt Ohio! It’s One Quarter Inch From Reality!!

Guard at the Medina Asylum: “Yeah, he’s going through the ‘Starbuck John’ thing again.” (shakes head) “Sad, kinda.”

Um, where’s Cranky???

All Funkyverse, All The Time!

Bwah- ha – ha- ha

Let’s see if I can help…Doesn’t really care how the Valentine is doing,Cindy has a case of the Lisa,Only if they can convince Lillian to sing the lyrics,andFirst stop, the Valentine, next, the bargain bin at DollarTree.Yep, that about covers it.

“Nah. We’re too busy headlining ‘Lisa’s Story’ to care about anything else!”

Is today’s strip available as an audiobook? I’d like to listen to it on the way to work.

Lede, please and thank you. Love the nostalgic crossovers!

Buried the lead and everything else.

Starmuck Jones? WHAAT?GAAAAAAAH! OHH NO. Not that again. Anytheengs but that! And here me was overjoys that me never ever has to hears of that one again since the end of Weenkerbean komix.

Wall-O-Text

In the Funkyverse, writing a biography about someone gives you exclusive ownership of their copyrights and musical library.

This guy is as big of a knob as Dingleberry is, only younger.

Killing three birds with one stone?

Wait, he’s not gonna ask Crankshaft for his opinion on this obvious rip-off of Disney property?

“This ain’t the way.”

Having the premier of Mason’s next movie at the Valentine would make the Valentine’s decade. Despite the added costs of security, spotlights, red carpets, and, etc.

There are more word pop up’s than art…………..so boring………….

Yesterday, I wrote: Will Masone hire Dinkle and the Bedside Mannerisms to play in the orchestra pit for a silent movie? Will the actual story arc be worse than my worst fears? Stay tuned!

Oh, yeah. Much worse. I was on the right track, but my failure was not thinking big enough. Providing music for a mere silent movie in a niche theater? Au contraire mon soeur! You silly girl! Harry Dinkle is going to Hollywood!

There’s a snarkers’ law, as @Brian Perler reminded me yesterday. Attempting to predict how bad a Batiuk story arc will be is a futil endeavor. The actual story arc will always be worse than you prediction. ALWAYS!

Batiuk: You think that is what’s going to happen? (scoffs) Wait until you get a load of this. Hold my cocoa.

Who wrote the Claude Barlow biography? Dinkle?

“I stopped in to see why you aren’t playing one of MY movies!”

now the question is will dudley doright brother will he be getting a signed copy of claude barlow book because everyone loves booksignings

“Yes, this theater is bankrupting me, and I’m desperate to find a premiere venue for another crummy Starbuck Jones film. And where’s Crankshaft?”

Lede. He buried the lede.

And just why would he want even to read Claude Barlow’s biography, must less to meet its author, simply to use some Barlow music in an upcoming movie?

I’d like to take this opportunity to sympathize with the readers who expect to see the titular character featured in his own comic. By my count, Ed Crankshaft has had a mere two appearances since April 14, an entire month ago.

With the disappointment I feel in the new direction the cartoonist is taking, I’d like to create a new type of comment. A Random Strip in Crankshaft History. I will obtain a random Crankshaft strip utilizing the feature’s ‘Random’ button. I will comment on the random strip and render a verdict if it is better, IMO, than the present-day offering. I will stop if I ever discover a random comic strip that I judge to be worse.

Today’s Random Strip in Crankshaft History: Crankshaft for July 28, 2010: This comic was featured in the middle of a one-week story arc where Ed’s cat, Pickles, has gone missing. Throughout the week, there are comics where Ed and Pam make incorrect assumptions about how Pickles is roughing it. Meanwhile, Pickles has been taken in by a kind woman and is living a life of luxury. However, his situation changes when he encounters the woman’s cruel grandchildren. Pickles runs away and eventually finds his way back home to Ed.

Verdict: Today’s current Crankshaft strip features a story arc where characters are once again prostrating themselves before the altar of Harry Dinkle and scheduling yet another premiere of the latest Starbuck Jones movie at the Valentine Theater in Smalltown, Ahia. The random story arc features a cat.

Is the random comic better than today’s comic? YES (Hell, yes)

New comment feature #2: Number of days without an appearance by Dr. Harry L. Dinkle: 3

Max: By Cindy’s family, You mean her ex-brother-in-law, Wally. The rest of her family is either dead or in Florida.

Minty’s comment “You buried the lead, Masoné” has nothing to do with the announcement that Starsuck III may have its first and last showing at the Valentine. She’s just telling Masoné that she’s aware of how he disposed of toxic heavy metal during the theater’s “renovation,” and warning him that she will be informing the EPA if he doesn’t clean it up.

“I wanted to get your thoughts on having Starsuck Jones III: the Rise of the Frito-Bandito-deLoreans premiere here at the Valentine!”

Translation: “Starsuck II didn’t do all that well, so we were planning on sending this one straight to DVD… until our accountant said the tax write-off would be bigger if it played at least one night in one theater. Naturally the Valentine immediately came to mind.”

Ah, I finally finished reading today’s strip. I started it during breakfast but only had 10 minutes so I had to save the final chapter until now.

I didn’t really have any problem with Masoné wanting to contact Claude Barlow’s only known biographer because he’s thinking about including Barlow’s music in the soundtrack. It would actually make a bit of sense for him to say “here’s what happens in this scene, what Barlow piece would you recommend as accompaniment?” Except for two problems: first, many, many years of FW canon paint Barlow’s music as terrible and perhaps unplayable, so why would Masoné want this for his movie? and second, any significant Hollywood production is going to have a “Music Supervisor” who is “a qualified professional who oversees all music related aspects of film, television, advertising, video games and other existing or emerging visual media platforms as required.” That last part is Wikipedia, quoting the Guild of Music Supervisors. If this movie is such a tiny production that Masoné Jar-Jarré is doing the music supervision job, I can’t wait to see the special effects… pie plates on strings, most likely…

It makes complete sense to fly from California to Ohio instead of making 3, horrible, time-consuming phone calls. /s

I’d rather see BILLY THE KID VS> DRACULA 2