Pearls Before Swine by Stephan Pastis for June 25, 2024

Rat tells it like it is, man!

Rat has a serious leak in the filter between his brain and mouth!

I’m sure that bosses only do that to see who the best suck-ups are.

It is not like they are going to do anything to help you reach those goals, so why ask?

About 11:00 one morning, I was asked, in what I knew to be the last year of my employment… “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

This was my manager, who already knew my plans, so I was bemused. However, I played along and said… “Well, five years from right now, I see myself still in bed, but about to get up and have a mimosa for breakfast.” He seriously wrote it down on the form… he never cracked a smile… then we finished the rest of the form and went to lunch. I did ask him what he’d do with the form and he allowed that he had to fill them every year for every one of his “report-tos”… and was looking forward to finding out with mine whether anybody ever actually looked at them. So far as I know, nobody did.

Oh the horrors! This reminds me of our teacher evaluations. In the fall, we had to write goals. Mid year, we had to report progress toward goals. End of the year, report whether you made your goals. The trick was to write goals that sounded good but were easy to achieve. “90% of my students will improve one year in reading and math.” That’s gonna happen just by their getting a year older.

It reminds me of this guy filling out a self evaluation for his employer.

Q: What is your short term goal? A: Leave work by 5:00.

Q: What is your long term goal? A: Be home by 5:30.

20 years or so ago in my city many HR “geniuses” would ask employees or potential hires what they would do if they won the lottery. A guy my spouse worked with said he’d give the money to his girlfriend so she could open a hairdresser. He didn’t get the job, and wondered why.

So many feel the same way Rat!

My co-workers were talking about what they would do if they won the lottery, I said if I won I would get off the overtime desired list, I got the funniest looks!

“What are your employment goals?”

“To move up in the company so I can fire people who asked me awkward questions.”

Another one of my favorites were the monthly staff meetings before I retired … ;-)

That whole line of things always struck me as an attempt to shame you into having aspirations, as if to say you’re not valuable unless you aspire to climb the corporate ladder. As an engineer, I never wanted to manage, and sadly that’s the only path upward in most big companies. Shows what they value—not the employee who produces, but the manager who doesn’t actually produce ANYthing. Except maybe heartburn.

It’s bow tie central

So is Rat still working as a barista at Joe’s Roastery?

“Get paid.”

Why are they both wearing a tuxedo? (If those aren’t tuxedos, it’s even weirder, they’re just bizarre suits.)

Hated these type of things. My goals were to get out of there, end of day; and get a paycheck.

I have always dreaded the self evaluation part of annual reviews. Some years ago they added mid-year reviews. A waste of my time. Just tell me if I hit my metrics, and if I get a raise.

I once worked for a guy who told me that if he won the lottery, the first thing he’d do is to punch his manager in the mouth.

mine was win the Lottery, tell everyone what I actually thought of them and take a Dump on my bosses desk.

When filling out applications:

Question why do want to work here?

Answer: To get out of the house once in a while and earn some money to go on vacations

See meself in five years? What these maroons theenks me is has some sortsa crystal ball to sees meself in the future?

I had a new management person called me in one day and acted SOOO friendly and wanted to know more about me, my outside interests….after a few minutes I realized she wanted to see if I had any other talents/hobbies she could exploit.

Sigh… Time to open up the wanted ads…

A farmer was asked what he would do if he won the lottery. He said that he would keep on farming for as long as it lasted.

Rat’s only goal in life is to harass, ridicule and mess things up.

Thats the point where I just say ‘To succeed personally and professionally, and retire one day’

That was my goal too. Sadly never achieved. Now I’m old and retired

Rat’s goals are close to mine. Mine are to win the lottery and to tell half my family to shove it.

I’d just have to make up stuff, because whenever I set my sights on something I swear the Heavens open with every obstacle possible and Hell turns the path into an Escher design.

The best I was ever able to do is prepare myself for as many things as possible and jump sideways when an opportunity came up, quick, before Fate or whatever realized I’d made the move.

Rat is confusing wishes with plans.

Build up my 401K and pray I can retire the minute Medicare kicks in.

If I were to win the lottery, I would not tell my job to shove ir. I have too much respect for my job and coworkers. I would retire, however, since I am near retirement age and give them time to hire a replacement.

I’m retired, winning now will take away all that fun

No, they shouldn’t, Rat.

You lie, Rat.

At my 10 year anniversary lunch my boss toasted me with “Here’s to another 10 years” I laughed and said “I’m not going to make another 10 months”

Heck, we all wished for that!!

He’s blunt. Like me, except I’m learning when to shove it.

I always told them to shove it without winning the lottery. Went through a lot of jobs,but that’s how I found the right one.

Those aren’t goals, it’s a wish list

Unfortunately, making a living generally means that somebody’s keeping you on a short leash—even if you’re self-employed.

Employment goals VS. Personal goals

Darn! Great entry for when Ameritech made we managers write a resume for our own jobs. Aah, memories.

Take this job and shove it

I ain’t working here no more

- Johnny (no more) Paycheck

Previous employer did this, except it was an anonymous survey thing. They did not like what they heard back at all, and it was never spoken of again.The company also went bust about two years later due to mismanagement.

And now, he’s out of a job.

I never even knew Rat had a job!

If I were still working and won the lottery, I think instead of quitting I would hire a driver to bring me and my man servant to work, have him screen all my calls, run my errands, set my desk for lunch and stand guard outside my door. That would be much more fun than quitting.

Where do I see myself in five years? Sitting at your very desk, with you asking me pleadingly for your job back! And me, answering (very smarmingly: “NO!”)

The irony with Rat is that his troubles often stem from his honesty.

That doesn’t seem like a very practical dress code for a coffee shop.

To keep getting a paycheck for reading the comics at work.

Our bosses never needed to ask. We made it plain to them the day they arrived. After the last boss went out in a straitjacket.

I love how Rat has taken off the bow tie—a demarcation between being employed and employed no more.

Employment goals are part of Wednesday’s Non Sequitur.

Besides the usual, sisters (except the one who dumped my dad’s ashes in a farm field) my step kids who are deserving. My ex (lying manipulative backstabbing b—h) who was awarded $1 for getting prego after she left (that’s all she gets) A friend who I like too much is a slumlord. I told her I’d buy her the B&B she dreams of, contingent on her selling off her dozen properties (which is making her an emotion wreck and prone to hookup with crackheads) and I would give her an allowance (from interest on principal that I didn’t spend) based on the revenue she would lose and get rid of the 3 washer dryer sets, a fridge, furnace, surround tube that have been in my garage for months. And maybe that nice house in Cork, near the pub, and learn how to drive my new car on the wrong side of the road (and a new laptop with a better keyboard)